Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?


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Lately, it feels quite empty, everything I do. With no end in sight, a change in goals, I wonder, if there's anything valuable or meaningful from living this life of mine. 

Sometimes, it feels as if I live this life without purpose, to merely exist as someone in the crowd for another person's much grander tale, maybe for a person who is loved, knows where they want to be, can do as they please without shackles. Maybe I simply exist to make someone else shine more brightly among the stars. 

We know Polaris, but we never know the lights that shine inferior to it. But maybe for me, I might just be the darkness that stars emanate from. 

These days I wish I had a purpose, I wish I could tell myself in the future, that things can get better, that there are no shackles that prevent me from living life the way I want to. Not that it would ever happen, I think she knows it too. 

Living feels like a chore, even if I died, I'll easily be forgotten, I'll just cease to live. My friends might be sad, but would I even feel it? Would I ever feel the desperate will to live, desperate enough to start treating this poor shell of a body properly, instead of bashing it as if it were a bug that ruined my day? 

Sometimes, I don't know whether to even be grateful, for being able to have problems that aren't devastating, to be even slightly more privileged than others with less than what I have. I don't know if I should even know the emotion of being upset when someone else out there is going through so much worse, and are surviving day by day with it. 

When I can't even bring myself to not think about disappearing from this earth every night before I bury the thoughts 6 feet deep in my pillow as my brain forces rest upon me. 

I don't know why I'm alive, I don't feel like I should be, but I also don't have the courage to leave. I don't have the courage to give up this life of mine, even though I should. This life, feels so meaningless, without purpose. I feel like living my life brings nothing meaningful, my existence could never be meaningful. 

Probably because that's how the stars intended it to be. 


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난.... 지금 모르는 생각이 있고 어느 괜찮아?


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이번주, 그 메시지 받았어... 난... 화났어, 진짜 

I always make sure to not bother my friends about this issue, but it eats me apart like a disease. Everyday I think;

 

"What if I go to work and him or his girlfriend are mad enough at me, to take out that anger at me when I'm at work?" 

 

I hate this, I hate the ability I have to not stop worrying, I hate the ability to not figure out who is really on his side until the end. I hate his friends, who I've naively told that I hate him before, and that they reasoned back with me that he was just trying to be "romantic', that I'm the one who is too harsh on him. I'm the one who is just not getting over things. 

You don't think I've tried countless times to get over the irrational fear that someone I love will be harassed by him?

That I've tried to ignore it for at least 4 years while he still leaves "encouraging" messages in my dead cbox accounts, every single month, until I found out this March?

That I've tried to ask him to stop, but all I get in return is a message from him, my harasser, saying that I'm ungrateful towards his "good wishes" that he threw upon me?

That I haven't tried blocking him on every social media I have, just to find out he's already made 8 new side accounts, that I'm still unaware of?

You think I haven't tried all of these things?? You think I haven't told the school district 2 years ago I wanted a restraining order and that I couldn't get one unless he personally laid his hands on me and that I needed evidence of that too?

You think I wanted to know that he was still doing all these things to harass me all while having a girlfriend and isn't even focusing his 100% towards her while leaving weird messages about me on his tumblr up until quarantine started? 

 

I hate confronting and telling the world that I'm being harassed, I hate the idea of this problem being a public matter. I hate the idea of his friends leaking my problems to him and him taking advantage of that. I've done all I possibly could and he won't stop, and people are still ignorant enough to let him be. 

 

All these years, I've been so deeply traumatized by this feedback, I am scared to annoy my friends with more news of him, I'm scared to end up in a class with him in college and having to explain to my professor why I may have to drop without even giving it my all. I'm scared more of his girlfriends will secretly find my social media to keep tabs on me, I'm scared he will one day take action, since he knows where I live, work, and go to school. 

 

Yet he's telling me I'm the one that's doing too much??? I'M the one overreacting after not bringing it up with my friends of my daily fears. I'm the one overreacting for protecting my loved ones by not telling them this situation so they have one less thing to worry about? I'm the creature for getting upset that he's left messages for this long, completely unwarranted, on an account I haven't used since 2018, and that I'm ungrateful for bringing it up and getting him in trouble for it?? 

 

He's so lucky that he gets away with everything, while I'm literally haunted by the mere fact that he's alive and isn't done leaving me alone. He's so lucky he gets to move on to other people, while I'm stuck here considering living the rest of my life alone, after having him mentally damage me to the point of erratic fear of the mere thought of liking someone back let alone getting into a relationship with another person. 

 

I don't want to worry my friends, my family, my peers of this man anymore. I want to move on with my life and go a whole year without the fear of him being in my vicinity being a thought drilled into my head. I just want to live a life without his name or presence in it. But I'm apparently overreacting and asking for too much. 

인생 업데이트 (필요해)


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이름: 얀

생일: 120899

취미: 미술, 수화, 세븐틴/이달이소/있지 사랑하기 

나는: 피곤할텐데 이제 괜찮아요 

나의 소원은: 행복한 인생 살고 가족 같이 열심히하고 좋겠어요.

제일 좋아하는 마리: 수달

지금의 감각: 괜찮돼고 이번년 동안 힘들었지만 난 아르바이트 하고 공부는 열심히하고 싶고 처음 술 마시는 해보자 🤺🤺 

1 행복은 돼고 이유: 싫은 사람 갔다 

 

이것년 도 슬퍼하지 말고 많은 열심히하고 좋은 생을 살자 

 

 

오랜만



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Years, 

Years have passed, years of annoyance, tears, and freedom I have still yet to obtain.

Years have passed, and I am annoyed of the fact that you still bother me. Despite my desperate mask, feigning confidence and happiness in strides, hoping you will leave me alone. No matter the time, annoyance is an emotion that consistently nicks me at all sides, like a moth, who cannot stop hitting the bulb of light before it.

Your existence, serves to annoy me and remind my foolish self, that when in new emotions of affection or romance, that only pain, delusion, and manipulation will bear fruit. As I am the tree bearing this fruit, I must constantly be annoyed, and persistently remember, that the fruit had turned rotten, because it met you, and the results are irreversible. 

You, who placed yourself on a moral and selfishly high pedestal, also manages to annoy me by simply hearing your name. 

Someone told me he admitted to them that he cheated on her when they were dating

Everyone knew

 

Oh him? I had class with him before and him and his friends seemed awkward when I talked about you

Annoyance, at all sides.

You, were the one who cheated on me,

You were the one who kept pestering me, for a peaceful end that you desperately needed

So why am I,

The one growing numb on annoyance,

The one being told I'm wrong for being traumatized,

The one who can no longer make friends without sense of unease,

The one who can no longer trust anyone on this earth enough to ever love someone again, 

Why must I be the only one who is annoyed to this extent. 

Years have passed, and I still somehow find reasons to shed tears. Reasons with your name attached to them. Back then, the amount of tears I held, were insurmountable to the amount you think you had. 

Tears, for when I thought I could use my senior year to hold whatever faith I had left in you, to be the mature person you claimed to be and actually talk things out. 

Tears, for when I found out a friend I hadn't seen in 5 years, was threatened by you

Tears, for when I realized that if I want to make friends, they still somehow have to go through you

Tears, for when I decided from that point on, to take the blame and never trust again, so I can keep my loved ones, away from you

Tears, when I found out you cheated on me, and still had the nerve to bother me and claim your affections and intentions were pure. 

Tears, when I found this all out the night before I was going to meet Seventeen, the boys who got me back on my feet and kept me on my feet since

Tears, knowing I can never forgive you and that I have to bear this pain of manipulation and deceit for a lifetime

Tears, for being the stupid one who got cheated on, tossed around, and talked about,  when I was deemed as not enough and pitiful by those you blatantly told, that you had cheated on me in the first place, and me, never having a clue

And tears, I won't shed for you, especially after seeing your messages from the past year, and all that I've been through prior. 

While I cried, you gracefully lived your life to your desires, your pleasures, and your ever growing connection of friends. All of which, a foolish person like me could ever be envious for, but can never attain, after the manipulation I faced from you that still haunts me to this day. 

 

Years have passed, and the messages you have left me may be kindhearted. But no matter how much you wish for my happiness in fickle notes, I will forever be shackled to the manipulation and deceit you have put me through. I will never attain the freedom that I want because of my selfish harboring of these wicked feelings of hatred and the inability to forgive and forget. 

I won't be able to attain the freedom of a friendship that doesn't start with feelings of doubt or worry, that they won't have to see you in their lifetime and face your wrath. 

I won't be able to attain freedom from these memories attached to me

Out of all the people I could've been dating, it had to be you

 

This is why the people you love always leave you

 

Words said to me, and repeated endlessly on my mind.

Years have passed, but I haven't forgotten the pain you've caused me, as they're shackled to my being, not letting me be set free. 

 

Years have passed, and I have taken so many steps to recovery, making friends despite your threats to my current ones, overcoming the pain of knowing your existence is nearby somewhere and resisting my urge to feel sick enough to cry on the spot, having friends knowing they're not safe with you around but will stay by my side as a friend anyways, finding new reasons to be happy without romantic companionship, living life everyday, studying, working, and enjoying my free time like normal people do, and most importantly, living life confidently when I can without having to worry about you. 

 

Years have passed, and I am only asking you now, to stop thinking about some "ideal" or "aura" that you think me to have and overthink about. Stop looking for some kind of closure, because you could easily end these fickle feelings on your own, if you had enough willpower to. Stop annoying me, with these new updates I don't wish to see, whether it be messages or even thinking of me.

 

If you're really back in reality, that is the best wish I could have ever gotten granted. But if you happen to see this, this is my final plea for you to move on, and leave me alone, have your friends leave me alone, as I only wish to be left alone. 

 

I wish I didn't have to see your messages, I wish I didn't have all these problems revolved around you, since they are partially my fault and still my fault for not completely healing. But I really wish you didn't have to continue doing things like this, things you know if you put to a halt, that things would end peacefully for all of us. 

 

Though, I really wished you took the superior word of advice, when she warned you not to think of me, speak of me, and especially, that closure from me is the last thing you're getting, since you need to do it yourself. 

 

Years have passed Jeremy,

and it's about time to let this phase in your life pass as well. I'm begging you to leave me alone, from your thoughts, from your words, from your entire existence, please just leave and let all of this pass.

 

  • I don't and will not miss you.