Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

Things I want to update about myself


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Name: Yan (얌)

DOB: 12081999

Hobbies: finding new music, drawing, discovering interests, being with friends

Favorite animal: Otters and Bears

Favorite Color: Green 

Favorite Scent: floral citrus 

Favorite games: story of seasons, bravely series

Favorite food: cheesy foods + tomatoes

Favorite place: starry views 

Favorite aspect of self: my insecurities

Things I hate: asparagus, artichokes, and extremely confrontational people

Favorite item: my sketchbook with watercolor works

 

As of right now, I am not happy, but I am content, this feeling is the best thing I can feel. Happiness is temporary, but to feel content is more wholesome. I get to remind myself that with this content feeling of mine, that everything is so much better than when life was crumbling to pieces. Being content is so much better than the happiness that visits me like a one day vacation in a 365 day year. I'm happy to feel content, I've never been so glad to feel this average state of life. I hope there will be many more days of content in my future. 


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I often feel like these feelings of mine should not be as powerful as they are. But yet, I feed them the immense amounts of power as if they were snacks. I feel like i'm never doing enough, and yet when I do something, it's never validated. Its never validated due to its normality but, I thought it was everyone's dream to be normal?

I'm not eccentric enough, i'm not hardworking enough, and i'm not creative enough. I'm stuck in a casket with no texture no color no flavors no sound. I have no sense in what I should be nor do I feel like I should even be around. I'm never enough, not even enough to be around. 

I never seem to accomplish what i'd like, and I never seem to reach my goals, I never seem to do well enough for anybody to know. 

I don't know when nor would I even know how, to stop the stammering voices around me. Telling me to take charge and do it, when my body won't even let me. 

I feel trapped and hopeless, like everything I must do isn't enough, the list gets longer just for me to finally realize, I'll never be enough, not enough for anyone, not enough for the world, and definitely not enough for myself. 

부터...까지


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매일은 사는거 힘들어요.

그런데 

매일은 살아요.

행복 없고 

슬프 없고

왜그래 됩니까요?

 

 It seems like every day is a struggle, breathing feels like a chore, and being stared at by strangers begins to make me feel a sense of shame. 

I can't help, but be sad when I see happy emotions, I can't help, but get upset with myself for being happy for even a second, because I don't deserve to be happy. 

So why is it that, im still living, when I have no purpose? What is a life, without a purpose? What is a life, without love?

Everyday, becomes harder than the next, constantly hearing that, ending your story early is "bad for you" and that it is a sin to not be loyal to ones own tales. 

But how does one find faith, to continue the story, to continue reading, when there is no ending that piques the reader?

Life feels empty, sometimes a shell within becomes apparent, and also within, a dry and barren scene. 

Breathing feels empty, a shell that breathes air that could be put to better use for better individuals. 

Living with an inferiority complex, feeling like no matter what you do, you'll never be normal. Feeling like, you'll never be as good as those next to you. Feeling like, you always need validation, when in fact, there is no longer enough time to validate. 

Only main characters get special endings, I, was meant to merely fill in the space, of the background, for another heroines fairytale. 

suffocated


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Everyday is like an eternal struggle. I sigh to get past a mere 24 hours, and it repeats itself over and over again. 

Everyday, I struggle to walk through the halls, through the hundreds of people whose faces I won't remember in a month. 

I struggle, looking occasionally, at the man who had twisted my emotions to the point where my stomach turns in pain at the sight of him. 

I struggle to move on from the fact that I have been heartbroken. Even though I'm ready to face others, I'm no longer desirable, and that already frightens me. 

What do I do? When nobody wants me, and I feel unwanted. I want to disappear, yet I know it would be foolish to do so. 

What do I do? When I want to meet someone who is just kind, regardless of appearance, regardless of past. Just kind and humble, that's all I search for. 

What do I do? Since all the kind and humble are far, and the travel seems endless down this path that is unclear of direction?

I feel like I'm floating. Floating to some unknown location where my feelings will wither to nothing. Where I, will have no choice but to wither into nothing.

I can only hope that I arrive in a delightful destination. But I'm tired of hoping, I'm always hoping but it takes me nowhere. Even when I take the steps myself, I end up walking giant circles, with no real improvement. 

Where will I end up? At square one again? At a place where I have no choice but to wither away and become lifeless? When will I be able to see some light at the end of the path. I'm tired of hoping, walking aimlessly, waiting aimlessly. I want a chance to move on, but why can't I seem to get anywhere?