Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?


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I often feel like these feelings of mine should not be as powerful as they are. But yet, I feed them the immense amounts of power as if they were snacks. I feel like i'm never doing enough, and yet when I do something, it's never validated. Its never validated due to its normality but, I thought it was everyone's dream to be normal?

I'm not eccentric enough, i'm not hardworking enough, and i'm not creative enough. I'm stuck in a casket with no texture no color no flavors no sound. I have no sense in what I should be nor do I feel like I should even be around. I'm never enough, not even enough to be around. 

I never seem to accomplish what i'd like, and I never seem to reach my goals, I never seem to do well enough for anybody to know. 

I don't know when nor would I even know how, to stop the stammering voices around me. Telling me to take charge and do it, when my body won't even let me. 

I feel trapped and hopeless, like everything I must do isn't enough, the list gets longer just for me to finally realize, I'll never be enough, not enough for anyone, not enough for the world, and definitely not enough for myself. 

부터...까지


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매일은 사는거 힘들어요.

그런데 

매일은 살아요.

행복 없고 

슬프 없고

왜그래 됩니까요?

 

 It seems like every day is a struggle, breathing feels like a chore, and being stared at by strangers begins to make me feel a sense of shame. 

I can't help, but be sad when I see happy emotions, I can't help, but get upset with myself for being happy for even a second, because I don't deserve to be happy. 

So why is it that, im still living, when I have no purpose? What is a life, without a purpose? What is a life, without love?

Everyday, becomes harder than the next, constantly hearing that, ending your story early is "bad for you" and that it is a sin to not be loyal to ones own tales. 

But how does one find faith, to continue the story, to continue reading, when there is no ending that piques the reader?

Life feels empty, sometimes a shell within becomes apparent, and also within, a dry and barren scene. 

Breathing feels empty, a shell that breathes air that could be put to better use for better individuals. 

Living with an inferiority complex, feeling like no matter what you do, you'll never be normal. Feeling like, you'll never be as good as those next to you. Feeling like, you always need validation, when in fact, there is no longer enough time to validate. 

Only main characters get special endings, I, was meant to merely fill in the space, of the background, for another heroines fairytale. 

suffocated


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Everyday is like an eternal struggle. I sigh to get past a mere 24 hours, and it repeats itself over and over again. 

Everyday, I struggle to walk through the halls, through the hundreds of people whose faces I won't remember in a month. 

I struggle, looking occasionally, at the man who had twisted my emotions to the point where my stomach turns in pain at the sight of him. 

I struggle to move on from the fact that I have been heartbroken. Even though I'm ready to face others, I'm no longer desirable, and that already frightens me. 

What do I do? When nobody wants me, and I feel unwanted. I want to disappear, yet I know it would be foolish to do so. 

What do I do? When I want to meet someone who is just kind, regardless of appearance, regardless of past. Just kind and humble, that's all I search for. 

What do I do? Since all the kind and humble are far, and the travel seems endless down this path that is unclear of direction?

I feel like I'm floating. Floating to some unknown location where my feelings will wither to nothing. Where I, will have no choice but to wither into nothing.

I can only hope that I arrive in a delightful destination. But I'm tired of hoping, I'm always hoping but it takes me nowhere. Even when I take the steps myself, I end up walking giant circles, with no real improvement. 

Where will I end up? At square one again? At a place where I have no choice but to wither away and become lifeless? When will I be able to see some light at the end of the path. I'm tired of hoping, walking aimlessly, waiting aimlessly. I want a chance to move on, but why can't I seem to get anywhere?

091717


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An ever changing mood, in a world where patience is a waste. I can now see, these days, why I do not have the things that I aspire to have. I'm just not meant, to have the things I exactly want in life. The things I work hard for will almost always go to waste. The decisions I make will almost always make sure to visit and haunt my memories. There are reminders all around me, as to why I don't deserve to be happy in life. The days in where I'll struggle with just getting to school, the days in where I walk to school and all the cars pass by with their pitied eyes upon my presence. The days where my mom chooses to be a coward and blame me for the way things turned out for her. The days where just being myself is a drag, and a knock in the back of my mind. A constant reminder, that I am not in a fairytale, and I am just a person with a fate that is just meant to be unhappy. The things I work for, all go to waste, they show no results. No matter what efforts I give the world, there will be nobody there to see it. As efforts are only considered what they are, if another has seen them. Which is why; those with fame will always be known for their efforts. Whereas the ones without the lenses in their direction, will only have their ever failing memory upon them to bring about their own dying history. My test scores fail, my ambitions fail, my lifestyle fails, and almost undoubtedly, so will my future. A pattern, how can I not see it? The unhappiness I'm entitled to will always lurk in my mind before the idea of happiness for a lost case ever could. The reason. The reason why I cannot find significance in loving someone, is because I will never truly learn to love myself. Is such tyranny not a good enough reason to make sure, that everyone stays away from the monster that will only hurt others? I have actually figured it out a long time ago. The reason why I cannot and will not love anyone for a lifetime, is because I will only entitle them to painful memories. There are no pleasant fables in where a horrid beast can receive a happy ending, such things simply don't exist, is simple. True monsters do not get happy endings. As am I, a horrid monster, who deserves nothing but the loneliness and solitude that they must have upon themselves to not hurt the beings of the good, the praiseworthy, and the great. A happy ending, does not exist for a monster such as I. A monster who has birthed from their mother, evil is bound to pass on, for generations to come, unhappiness is a virtue that a monster learns to embrace. As for me, I'll continue to disappoint not only myself, but the others around me as well, for the sole purpose that redemption and recognition is not in my destiny, and my destiny was meant to and will be a cruel one. A monster birthed from a heart of evil, will be evil and have no room for ideas such as love and happiness, as monsters are not entitled to that kind of pleasure in their  lifetime. I'll live this way for quite a while, as I will probably never attain happiness, knowing the way my life has gone by so far, where nothing works out for the best, where I am almost certainly not living a normal life, finding a normal love, or having a normal existence, I'll lock the remnants of my compassion like a treasure, so that treasure cannot be tainted like the others. Although I want to be happy, my heart already knows, that such a thing, will definitely not be entitled to a monster like me.