Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

12월 2일 2016년


f:id:PotaterTitan:20161203035309j:image

오늘은 슬퍼요

It's officially December and my mood hasn't been especially great because of a few thoughts and my ugly personality has been taking a run for a while. I seem to feel sad knowing some people live their life not being able to love another, they will almost never get a chance at a normal relationship and that honestly saddens me to the core. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just know, I'm not as happy as I could be, there's plenty of other things I'd rather be doing. I'll be turning 17 next week, I also have mixed emotions on it. But I do know that I will be celebrating with people I never thought I'd celebrate with, and that should be a nice scene of change. I find it difficult to talk to certain people since they don't want to talk to me, I also still have the heavy feeling of being a burden to someone when it definitely isn't my intention. I don't know how to solve my own dilemma, but I certainly don't like how it has vacationed in my heart for far too long. I hopefully never encounter someone reading this, but I really can't feel happy if anything right now. Although I feel bad since people might believe so, I can't seem to be happy. Some may press me about seventeen coming back and how that should make me happy. But I think of the season where you're supposed to be with family, the season where everyone should be together in harmony, and enjoy the things around them. Idols don't have that kind of luxury, which kind of disheartened my true emotions for this comeback. As happy as I should be this season, there's many dark emotions lurking within me I would prefer not to have, but seem to be lurking every corner. I don't like it, it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't understand why, but it hurts me every corner if anything. If only expressing my feelings was this easy. I also can't seem to shake off my growing negativity for someone I met a while ago. I seem to be more and more upset as each day grows. It's unsettling and I don't particularly like it very much. With such emotions, I think I should really Uninstall twitter soon, it's growing to be bad on me and I can't seem to lighten my mood even though Seventeen used to do it so easily. Now, I just feel less and less confident in myself and everything I do. Everything I bother trying is making me more unhappy. I can't shake off these feelings, it's definitely growing on me, but I hope I find something better to make me happy again. I found many little distractions that can make me happy, but it never quite stays with me. My heart still becomes easily detached to everything I want to accomplish.

I believe I was quite selfish with my holiday shopping this year. Although I hope the gifts I got for others will be enjoyed by the receiver. I got myself a few things as well, but certainly this is a chance for myself to find new explorations, and become more grateful for the things I have and the people I'm with. I'm, very scared for my birthday, but I believe deep down it will work out on it's own, and with good luck, I shall see what I write next time. 

비가 왔습니다


f:id:PotaterTitan:20161021083908j:image

비가. . . 너무 예뻐서. . .

It was a Monday morning, crisp and sweet. The skies were Grey and the atmosphere wasn't warm. But it felt more gentle that way.  Swaying and Swaying, the wind blew the most gentle of breezes, as the flowers had been covered in the beautiful crystal known to be water, the skies, not angry or furious, but gentle, kind. As the rain and the coldness filled the air. 

102016


f:id:PotaterTitan:20161021082353j:image

Keep trying, for it always gets better

Often times I've been having a series of sadness swallowing, dwelling over me. I had made the resolution to be less sad this year, but sometimes it still slips out. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so upset and improper whenever I do anything now, I feel small and unworthy of breathing the same air as the people around me. My eyes constantly hurt and I don't feel like I own redeemable traits. It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just that, when I talk, people just turn the other cheek. Sometimes, I myself, think that I give people too much of my attention, when they never bothered to care about me in the first place. For instance, this group chat, I always try my best to cheer up Cheyenne and everyone else when they're feeling down. But the minute I express my feelings, they give me unsympathetic responses and tell me to get over it. I really do feel irrelevant sometimes, I don't know why I even bother expressing my feelings at all. I don't like being put on this high pedestal when I'm feeling this shitty about myself every. single. day. it just doesn't sit right. it just doesn't improve my mood. I just feel more irrelevant and useless to the world at the end of the day and nobody would really give a damn. But that just goes to show how petty my problems really are, Me feeling like shit because of a guy? Irrelevant, supposedly I can just throw my emotions out the door and not feel hurt through criticism. Me, feeling like shit because I don't feel pretty at times? Irrelevant, "you're pretty enough, but you're so pretty" My brain doesn't give a damn about those comments. At the end of the day, I really try to sleep my way into the next one and just hope my life ends a lot sooner. So what's the point? Why should I have problems? I don't even have the right to feel like shit half the time because the world already labeled my problems, irrelevant. 

Flustered 072316


f:id:PotaterTitan:20160723192049j:image
Lately I don't feel like I have much feelings towards anything, I did however get more into kpop which is a good thing to keep my mind on for a while. But I feel the pressure of the future slowly approaching my doorstep, and knowing such a thing, scares me. Even though I've gotten into kpop a lot lately, I often think to myself if a person's existence will really affect those above us on the social scale. Not everyone will get noticed let alone appreciated, some people who don't deserve the spotlight get all of the credit, and even doing so, the social ladder doesn't change. It may be very pessimistic of me to say such things. But I cannot help but think this way in the meantime. 
        School is also making its way towards me. I'm scared and frightened that I won't meet up to anyone's expectations,even though I really shouldn't have to. I'm such a wimp. I sometimes wish I wasn't born so negative or angry. My friends often point out the pessimistic things I say and I feel bad for it every time, I don't mean to be that way, but it's slowly devoured me whole. I can't really think any other way, I'm just trying to not be as pessimistic nowadays, but to be honest, it's quite hard. 
          That's why I say such things as kpop is good for keeping my mind off certain things, it seems to cheer me up, almost as if saving me from a false crisis, and whole heartedly, I am thankful for that. 
           I often wonder if writing these entries mean anything to me, but I'm honestly glad that right now, there is a website nobody I know uses, only I know of, for me to write about my inner thoughts to myself and for myself. I get neither criticism or praise, and knowing such a fact lifts a large weight off my shoulders, since not everything can be consoled with friends or family, some feelings have to be felt alone. 
             I have often been thinking of my future self as well. Teenage thoughts will always be different from adult thoughts, so I hope that my future self feels happier doing what she does and can be with the people that she cares about and vice versa. It's so naive of me to say such things without knowing what will happen in the future. But maybe writing this kind of thing down will help me remember the feelings I've once had. 
              I'm also completely positive that reading this in the future will give me a big headache, so I'll stop with the sap right here. 

050516


f:id:PotaterTitan:20160506121159j:image
I'm such a horrible person there are almost no words to explain my feelings at the moment. I can't believe that even at the times where I sound grieve, there's still room for anger. I don't want to be mad anymore, I don't want to be easily upset anymore, I don't want to be negative anymore. I feel constantly pressured to pick a side between friends when I really cannot choose. I'm so scared of being alone and having nobody. I'm so scared of losing everything when I'm trying to just keep myself together. Why can't I just cheer people on? Why can't I just wish my friend to be safe ?Why do I have to be mad about everything? Why can't I just make things right for myself and those around me? I feel like a failure for a human and a friend. I don't feel like I deserve anyone, why do I still have friends, I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anything. I've done so many wrong things, no wonder why nobody in theatre or school likes me. It's no wonder why I don't have any other friends in this small corner of the world. 

I'm so sad. I just want it to stop. I just want to be happy. Why can't I find myself any happiness in being myself anymore? I'm such a failure. I'm such a mess. Why am I alive, I don't deserve to be alive. I can't be happy, I can't be myself. I can't do anything but cry to myself because I'm not the victim, only the victim deserves the attention to cry. I'm the criminal that is so horrible that I let my own friend get hurt, I wasn't by her side when she needed someone, I left her to be in pain by herself. How could I be so horrible? How can I call myself human when all I have done is all wrong. I can't believe that I've done so many horrible things to the people I love, and still feel like I deserve anything. Grandpa lied, god never helps with anything, he can't exist. I'm so horrible, a fake diety such as god can't forgive me even in his own mind. What's wrong with me, why do I only do the wrong things, why am I so scared, why do I hurt people. I don't want to live anymore, I really don't deserve to live anymore