Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

Hidden eyes


Deception is an art, not an action

With so little eyes watching me, always complaining on here, I like admitting to my peace of mind, my existence which often grows tired. I wouldn't feel pressured to finish the stories I can't think of an ending to. Nothing is expected of me, no deadlines, no disappointments to others, my heart grows weary, at the possibility of hidden eyes crossing my deepest emotions through a mere scroll, but that's ok. Only I will understand the true severity of the emotions within me. Such as a secret, I wouldn't dare tell such things to another's face, to burden them. A burden to oneself does not get lightened by another's comfort, but by the understanding of another's pain and realizing you are not the only one carrying such heavy weights. Knowing that one is not alone, always lowers the pressure of one's who believe they carry the world on their own shoulders. Such loneliness, must be beared, but upon the sights of another, you realize, the hidden eyes who've seen my pain, happens to carry the same pain. A pain that is not carried by just one, but by so many more, so many possible hidden eyes that cross the scene. A hidden spectacle, some call those eyes god, some call those eyes their lover. But to me, such spectacles can only be my own eyes, watching others beside me, such things, not even a god can do. In such realizations, I consider who I may be hidden eyes to, and who may be hidden eyes to me. In that way, sight is almighty and powerful, a granted ability for emotion. If hidden eyes come across this, you're not alone, for I am here too.



A fickle place in where your true self lies.

These days, my heart has a harder time dealing with the emotions of others. I sometimes believe it is the own will of my selfishness at work, but at times, I truly cannot connect my heart to a situation. With such a weak and fickle heart, I often wonder how I can find my true self. Such a hollow place, feeling like a mansion in where I wander endlessly trying to find myself. I am a soul looking for a treasure in which I've hidden in my own home. A treasure in which I've forgotten the location of where I've put it. Such an important existence, an important part of me, yet I can't find the treasure which is my true self. 


When one... finds their true self, I truly believe that they have found the treasure of their lives. Which is why I persist to ask myself, where is this great treasure of my own in which I've lost? Such an important existence, merely lost as if they were a pair of keys. Something so trivial, but so important, the fickle heart, is very much like it. 


I'm not sure why I am writing of the heart, but I don't feel like my true self, I'm lost in a mansion which is hollow like my heart, but like the blood that flows through, I'm always overwhelmed, tried. How does such things happen? How does one.... find their own hidden treasure?

To Hansol Chwe 021817

You, who is now a year older, is also now so much greater as time grows. 


To the boy who is now a year older,

You've grown so much in front of the thousands of people who admire you from afar, a person who brings smiles and laughter to those who lay their eyes on you, Hansol, you're truly amazing in every aspect I can see you in. You're so hardworking and loving to those around you, and knowing someone like you has gone so far, makes me incredibly warm inside. I hope that as you turn a year older on a beautiful day like this, that you will share more happy memories with the members of Seventeen, your family, and hopefully, the carats that will always love and support you in what you do. I've met so many people that have an undying amount of love for you, and being able to wake up everyday and see and share the same emotions with other people, is something I really enjoy. But none of it could've been possible if it weren't for you. You may not know this but, I believe that you taking the first step in working hard to be an idol, truly brought more friendships together than you think, and I'm really grateful for it when I see it. I'm so eternally happy and grateful for your existence, purely knowing that you could be smiling somewhere under the same sky as mine, brings warmth and happiness to my life. I personally love your smile for all it could possibly stand for. Whether a member has told you a funny joke, or you, yourself might have done something goofy, seeing you smile brings a smile to many other faces too, and hopefully, you will always get to be happy in such a way. 


To Hansol Chwe, who is a year older, 

You are so amazing in every aspect I can see you in, and there aren't enough beautiful words in the dictionary to describe that amazing-ness of yours. To the way your nose scrunches up from being really happy, to the times where you're simply eating with the members, all of it is a heartwarming emotion that is spread to others, including me. The times you are talking with fans, to the times you show concern for them, I think it's all so beautiful and thoughtful of you to have a big enough heart, for all of us that admire and love you from afar. I'm not as good with words as others may be, but I hope that you, Hansol, who is now a year older, know that I really love you for all that you live for, and that I hope you will always be happy and living life to its fullest! 

-Your average carat, Yan.

The blue sea


With so many inferences that we are given about the world, often times, we forget who we are. Like the sea, it becomes mysterious, endless, questionable. I looked out towards the cold winter sea, my heart, almost as if it were anticipating something, became draped in disappointment. I was old now, I could no longer run out to the sea the way I had in my youth, and I wasn't about to do so in the cold. As I stared out into this cold, endless sea, which looked as if it were purposefully keeping warmth away from it's heart, a cold abrasive, yet, inviting touch, I began to reflect upon my life, something grand, something wonderful overwhelms me as I stare out into the never ending sea. Youth, such things I thought about, was definitely, a lot like...the once blue sea...


Many years ago, the sun shone bright, and the clouds, smiled. I ran with him, hand in hand, thinking not of consequences, but catching the future that slipped into my hands, with every passing second. Cheerful souls, were invited by the sea, welcomed by the sun, comforted by the breeze pushing the people in to embrace the water's inviting touch. With him by my side, it was as if the sea gave it's blessings, we we're meant to be so very, very happy. Some believed the water was an essence for materialism, some believed becoming one with such an amazing being, was all the world needed, but me and him, we only needed to know that such thing as the sea, was going to be there. It was going to be there, watching, walking, embracing all those who allow themselves to be kind to the sea. With him by my side, it was as if nothing else existed, just... me, him, and the everlasting sea. 


Years went by since that fleeting moment, time and technology, had grown. In such a growing time, the sea had noticeably, changed heart. People began to invade, the sea's privacy, it's hidden secrets which are meant for them, and only them. We, our people, had invaded such a pure heart, known as the sea. Eventually, the sea had a growing rage, it was no longer happy, but sad, confused, angry. But still, we, our people, did not realize it. We, our people, continued... treading the seas, poking at the dear seas' painful wounds, opening them, deepening them, hurting their precious treasures. We, our people, hurt the pure and kind soul.


We, our people, did not realize. The sea, grew angry, was discontent, so one day, the sea, decided:

"I will make them understand, I am hurt, ruined, invaded!" 

and so, the sea asked the sky, the sun, and even begged those of the clouds to stop providing for the sea. The sea wanted to be alone, left alone, a single entity. So, the sun, the sky, and even the ever so stubborn clouds, heard the seas' painful cry and plea....


One day, the sky, turned gray, and with the grayness came no motion, just, a stiff color.

But, we, our people, did not notice, they believed, it was the work of the clouds, covering up their ever so dear sky...

One day, the coulds, went awry, they swirled and they twirled, but to where? It became, a stiffened stubstance above we, the people.

But, we, our people, did not notice, they believed, it was the work of the sun, the bright bastard was up to something, bothering our dear clouds...

One day, the sun, turned dimmed their lights, the world, shivered.

So then, we, our people, worried. What happened, to our sun, our clouds, our lovely sky?

So there, the people wondered, and wondered, the sea, was finally alone, stiffened, frightening. 

The people, became afraid, afraid to tread the waters, afraid to see what the sea, may do to them, the ever vengeful sea. The world became cold, painful, uninviting. The world became unfit for living, unfit for the afraid. 

and, so, they left. 

He, whom I once held my hand happily with, became afraid, and like the weary, he left. 

Leave? How so? There was a place far away from their planet, with a shining sun, a clear sky, and many happy clouds. The afraid left, ran, rejected, the world they had lived in, and left.

However, as if my heart were anticipating something...I stayed...

Years had gone by, my world quickly grew cold, many, quickly grew tired, unsightly, unhealthy. Until, every last one was gone. 

But...the world left me as a remain...why? must I go through such pain... alone?

Now, I walk towards the sea, old and frail, no joy in seeing such a soul as the sea.

I fell, towards the edge of the sea, and cried, I wept, I screamed the remaining emotions living within me at the ever vengeful sea. My tears, becoming one with the sea, as if all my prayers and thoughts for the sea, had reached them with my tears...

Why am I alone?

Why are you unhappy?

Why am I the only one left??

Only then, did the sea realize, that there was still a soul, a pure soul, begging them for forgiveness, for an answer... an answer that the sea, could no longer give to the poor, frail, old woman crying and weeping at their footsteps. As she cried, the sun had brightened the lights to see who was weeping at the lonely sea. As she cried, the clouds, had formed to see the woman who was crying just as they had so long ago. As she cried, the sky, turned a sour color, wondering where such emotions arose from. The sea, watching the woman cry at their footsteps, wondered why, why such a woman, would want to cry towards the cold, brazen sea.

I want...to be happy again, just as you once were...

The woman's tears spoke to the sea, "I want to be happy...I don't want to be alone anymore..."

With such overwhelming, long emotions that the sea had felt from this woman, such a heartbreaking emotion that consumed the sea as a whole, as soon, the clouds began to cry with the woman.

She deserves to be happy

The sky wimpers to the sound the clouds make, the sea, realizing what they've done. 

The sun, watching over them, the breeze blowing heavily at her tears to blow them away.

The sea, realizing what they've put her through. Realized that she, the woman herself, was becoming frail, weak. 

As the woman wept the last of her tears, she no longer moved, it was stiff, just like the sea had once been. 

The sea, at a loss for emotions, grieved for the woman, the woman who wished to be just as happy as the sea had once been. The sea, which was loved so much by one. Which was probably loved even more by many. 

The sea, cleaning itself up, promised itself one thing, something we may never know. 

But the sun, warmed the seas' heart from coldness, the clouds passed by to wipe up the seas' tears, and the sky, turning blue, for which it is most peaceful for them all to be content and happy with one another. 

With the sea being comforted, the sea gave it's warm embrace to the woman, who had warmed the seas' heart, more than the sun ever had, and had forever since then, shone a deep blue, for the sorrowful souls which they didn't forgive, and for the woman, who when crying at their footsteps, wore sweaters, draped in blue.

How would we know such a thing you ask???

Because everyone knows that the heart of the sea is a beautiful blue, and that the waves is a delicate length of locks...representing the woman who saved the blue sea.