The present

052017

I feel horrible, I really do, fighting with Brenda when she couldn't give a second care about how I feel. I'm just so upset, I always feel like my feelings are justified, or that I just don't deserve these feelings of anger. Why is that? Why don't I ever feel valid in anything I do? Why do I always apologize first and nobody else does? Why do I move aside for people who will purposely expect me to move for them? It's just not fair, I feel at times. Why does Brenda get to have the upper hand by pulling the victim card and saying everything is her fault when it isn't? Why doesn't she ever just apologize to me when I get mad, but apologizes to everyone else when she has to? Why doesn't she ever try to hear me out when I try to express my feelings? She never really cares about what I enjoy, plus she ignores me when I want to contribute work because she thinks her way is always the right way. I am never validated by her, always ignored, I honestly feel like she could care less, and that the only reason why she tried to leave today was so that she wouldn't make the rest of them upset, since she never even attempted or even thought about apologizing for what she did the other day and ignoring us in that way. I hate how when I want to tell her how I feel, I never tell her because she's going to just brush it off with her own topic or just say something to stop me from talking. I honestly feel like I have such a useless existence when I'm around her, yet she still wants to try and maintain this "friendship" that we have? I don't know how much longer I can continue to push aside my feelings of not wanting to exist when I'm around Brenda. She obviously could care less if I stopped talking, or if I just didn't hang out with her anymore. She wants the rest of nugget to be her friend, not really me. Since I can't even recall the last time she bothered caring about what I had to say without her brushing off my feelings to talk about something she wants or cares more about. I don't ever want to show her my music, or whatever I accomplish when I play games, I don't even want to talk to her about seventeen anymore because when I do mention them, she either gets mad at me or just ignores me to talk about herself and her personal events. I really feel like a useless existence in the eyes of Brenda, and I don't know what to do at this point. I've felt this way since sophomore year. 

Coward Heart

In an ocean full of fish, I feel like the only one who has yet to swim outside their comfort zone, and explore the potential beyond the small sea

Often times, many people believe that they know themselves best. Their likes, dislikes, desires, despositions... But for whatever reason, I feel to the contrary of that popular belief. 

I really think I have the heart of a coward, constantly thinking I finally figured myself out just to do something unexpected and end up at square one all over again. Constantly lost, never located. Always wanting to do more, but never doing anything. Always living in fear, thinking i'm living in confidence. Such things, I believe, make me a coward. 

Each passing day, we progress, in this everchanging society, so why is it that I can't progress with them? Why is it that nothing ever changes for me? It's because i'm a coward. I'm a weak and filthy coward.

With my own heart and mind, never agreeing, never aligned. How can I change with the currents, when I am too scared to even touch the harsh coldness the sea bears to offer? I can't progress, my mind has ideas, but my heart gives up before wanting to try them. I try to be ambitious, just to sleep whatever is left of my day away, hoping tomorrow will be more ambitious. 

Nothing ever changes, I've never changed. Time changes, but my cowardice doesn't. Why is it that of all things that I must commit to, it has to be this horrid choking feeling, of never being able to do more, because I am too scared to keep going? 

Time changes, but I don't. The surroundings change, but I don't. When will there be a moment where I feel the true urge and need to surpass myself and move on, from being a coward? Will I ever truly stop being a coward? Will I ever truly get to grow, change, or even pursue greater things?

With each passing day, many people are progressing, changing, whether it be for the better or for the worst, they are moving, in a direction that they see fit in this ever so short time of the present. 

With each progressing day, my heart and mind contradict this shell of mine, and I have no control. What I want ends up being something I don't want. Something I don't need ends up being something I need. These impure feelings that grow out of something that was once so pure, my heart and mind contradicts them all. And nothing these days seems to be changing that. Will there ever be a day, where I get to progress with everyone else? A day where I can be proud to take the next step without looking back, and ending up at square one?

This reality of being a coward, is quite harsh. I lose the will to live, yet, with no confidence to end my story, I continue each day wondering what it would be like to not have to be here. Will there ever be a day, where I won't have to feel this way?

Even so, I will wake up tomorrow, and keep seeing sights I don't want to see, but end up liking what I see. I'll be in places I don't want to be, but be glad I was there. I'll be doing things I think I enjoy, just to end up not enjoying them at all. But with each progressing day, and this everchanging present. This coward, will continue to move forward, even if it's just by existing, for one more day...

The photo used for today's entry is by HEMISPHERE on pixiv.  

Fate

Sometimes I want to believe that being alone in the present is just the heavens preparing me to fall in love with a good person. But knowing that the heavens are helpless and don't help anyone, I end up remembering my place. I want to love someone whole heartedly, but I'm scared of my own flaws that could turn them away. There's lots of things that could go wrong in my situation; whether it be that I accidentally tell the wrong joke and hurt their feelings, or the fact that I pretend to hate something to the point where they think it's real, or maybe even the fact that I yell a lot but don't like it when I get yelled at myself. I think of some of these things as reasons why I can't ever really satisfy the person I want to love. I often feel there is nothing good I can do for them, making them happy, smiling lots for them, or maybe even various types of skinship. Someone like me, can't even consider providing that kind of support for the person they love? It just doesn't feel like love that way. It just feels wrong, and knowing this, is probably why I hate the boys at school so much. I can't trust their smiles or their intentions, but these feelings don't stop with school, I question the reality of the idols smile, which I love so dearly, I question the sadness that overflows my heart when my uncle yells at me, and I can't do anything but stare. A person like me is probably single for these reasons, I don't expect my hopes for the future to change that, especially if I can't see myself making that kind of change for anyone. This is probably why I still don't trust a fake figure such as God. People who give him prayer may cause God to give them miracles. But for me, it's almost like they made sure miracles wouldn't exist for me. I'll probably die alone, but now that I talked this out with myself. I don't feel so bad anymore. 

Monday chrome

Although days such as these aren't bad, they seem to be the days I forget the easiest. Days where I smile, laugh, have little abstract moments that, if I thought too much about it,  I would question the overall existence which is my own self. All days such as these, feel like Mondays.

Not Tuesday

Not Wednesday

Not Thursday

DEFINITELY not Friday

But the simple days we know as Mondays. 

Not spectacular

Not horrible

Not memorable

The simple days of Mondays. 

I don't know what overcomes me on days like this, maybe the sky or the routine ground that feels stale. I don't know what it is, but Mondays just aren't significant. On days such as these, I often feel nothing in my existence, I simply live just to go through days like Mondays, I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I just know, days like Mondays, aren't meant for me. 

Hidden eyes

Deception is an art, not an action

With so little eyes watching me, always complaining on here, I like admitting to my peace of mind, my existence which often grows tired. I wouldn't feel pressured to finish the stories I can't think of an ending to. Nothing is expected of me, no deadlines, no disappointments to others, my heart grows weary, at the possibility of hidden eyes crossing my deepest emotions through a mere scroll, but that's ok. Only I will understand the true severity of the emotions within me. Such as a secret, I wouldn't dare tell such things to another's face, to burden them. A burden to oneself does not get lightened by another's comfort, but by the understanding of another's pain and realizing you are not the only one carrying such heavy weights. Knowing that one is not alone, always lowers the pressure of one's who believe they carry the world on their own shoulders. Such loneliness, must be beared, but upon the sights of another, you realize, the hidden eyes who've seen my pain, happens to carry the same pain. A pain that is not carried by just one, but by so many more, so many possible hidden eyes that cross the scene. A hidden spectacle, some call those eyes god, some call those eyes their lover. But to me, such spectacles can only be my own eyes, watching others beside me, such things, not even a god can do. In such realizations, I consider who I may be hidden eyes to, and who may be hidden eyes to me. In that way, sight is almighty and powerful, a granted ability for emotion. If hidden eyes come across this, you're not alone, for I am here too.