082117

Daydream at the seat of the table, pencil in hand, book in front, as the mind leaves the shell, and goes on a short trip to the unknown, and the limitless location.

There will be an eclipse later on this morning, knowing I won't sleep past this event makes me happier than when I had napped through the eclipse in the 6th grade. But other than that, I had spent some time with my mom and step dad today, which was more joyous than usual, although I dont know why it was so much more joyous, the moment had made me happy, and that's all I really need to remember. We ate ramen and smiled, it was a refreshing feeling. It will be the second week of my senior year, and I can only wonder what kind of feelings I will carry with myself throughout the year. I began wondering this because, I had encountered many nostalgic notes that reminded me of the person that others had seen me to be. The person who received those letters was a happy and friendly person. I can only wonder if I still seem that way in the eyes of my peers today? After all those years passed, we've all become so truly different, without realizing it, like a daydream, high school is almost over. I am worried about what the future holds, but I will try my best to walk myself confidently into whatever mess I get into in the future. I truly don't want to be petty or pitiful anymore, and should start living a road for myself. These feelings I type down, might truly be short lived, but only time can tell how much this moment meant to me. It's getting quite late now, so I should be getting back to my real dreams, goodnight.  

061817

A little part of me, breaks each time in silence, in the dark hours of the night, whenever my mother lies to me, whenever she runs away from her problems, whenever my mother shows me how much of a coward she is, it shows me just one thing, I don't want to be like either of my parents as I age. I don't want to lie, I don't want to be a coward, I don't ever want to run from my problems when every path leads me back to the same original question. I don't want to be like my father, who lies, who pretends, who hurts others. I don't want to lie to my children if I ever have any, I don't want to pretend to love someone when there is no love to see, I don't want to hurt others with my thoughts and actions without thinking. With parents who do this so often, with parents who divorced because it happened so often, I've grown to the point where I avoid my problems when I'm scared, I hurt others feelings without knowing, I become a coward in the face of the true fight that is life itself. So am I not, if anything, but a mere clone of manifested feelings I have always wanted to rid myself of all this time? 

Knowing I've lied to myself in such a manner, how can I ever bring myself to believe I am a nice person, or a pretty person, when I only live life as a manifestation of my own lies and secrets? I feel so unworthy of good things, I feel so horrible that someone with the potential to be more grateful than I, am living such a life in their place. I don't deserve to be happy, or successful, not with these despicable feelings inside, not with these tears that keep coming for no reason, and for my mom to explain that such an entity such as God will help me and her? How can I believe in such an entity when no such thing has ever spared me from my suffering in this short life before? How do I believe in an entity such as God, who will never show me the brighter sides of what I can be, who can show a path that leads to just the thought of happiness? I will never believe in such a fake entity such as God, not someone who has never heard my prayers, not someone who has turned their back on my biggest pleas, not someone who has thrown me in the pit of hell, only to realize that the same hell can only get worse and hurt more. How can I possibly have faith in something that has never shown the slightest bit of faith in me? And how can I have faith in someone other than I, when I already suffer the challenges of putting faith into myself? I don't want to be like my parents, who blindly follow the faith of an entity that never responds, the entities that will forever ignore my pleas and leave me in the kind of life that forever makes me question the kind of person I can still be, before my time runs out, and only the manifestation of my parent's despicable behaviors are left within me. How... do I live with myself in fear... of becoming like my parents?

The present

052017

I feel horrible, I really do, fighting with Brenda when she couldn't give a second care about how I feel. I'm just so upset, I always feel like my feelings are justified, or that I just don't deserve these feelings of anger. Why is that? Why don't I ever feel valid in anything I do? Why do I always apologize first and nobody else does? Why do I move aside for people who will purposely expect me to move for them? It's just not fair, I feel at times. Why does Brenda get to have the upper hand by pulling the victim card and saying everything is her fault when it isn't? Why doesn't she ever just apologize to me when I get mad, but apologizes to everyone else when she has to? Why doesn't she ever try to hear me out when I try to express my feelings? She never really cares about what I enjoy, plus she ignores me when I want to contribute work because she thinks her way is always the right way. I am never validated by her, always ignored, I honestly feel like she could care less, and that the only reason why she tried to leave today was so that she wouldn't make the rest of them upset, since she never even attempted or even thought about apologizing for what she did the other day and ignoring us in that way. I hate how when I want to tell her how I feel, I never tell her because she's going to just brush it off with her own topic or just say something to stop me from talking. I honestly feel like I have such a useless existence when I'm around her, yet she still wants to try and maintain this "friendship" that we have? I don't know how much longer I can continue to push aside my feelings of not wanting to exist when I'm around Brenda. She obviously could care less if I stopped talking, or if I just didn't hang out with her anymore. She wants the rest of nugget to be her friend, not really me. Since I can't even recall the last time she bothered caring about what I had to say without her brushing off my feelings to talk about something she wants or cares more about. I don't ever want to show her my music, or whatever I accomplish when I play games, I don't even want to talk to her about seventeen anymore because when I do mention them, she either gets mad at me or just ignores me to talk about herself and her personal events. I really feel like a useless existence in the eyes of Brenda, and I don't know what to do at this point. I've felt this way since sophomore year. 

Coward Heart

In an ocean full of fish, I feel like the only one who has yet to swim outside their comfort zone, and explore the potential beyond the small sea

Often times, many people believe that they know themselves best. Their likes, dislikes, desires, despositions... But for whatever reason, I feel to the contrary of that popular belief. 

I really think I have the heart of a coward, constantly thinking I finally figured myself out just to do something unexpected and end up at square one all over again. Constantly lost, never located. Always wanting to do more, but never doing anything. Always living in fear, thinking i'm living in confidence. Such things, I believe, make me a coward. 

Each passing day, we progress, in this everchanging society, so why is it that I can't progress with them? Why is it that nothing ever changes for me? It's because i'm a coward. I'm a weak and filthy coward.

With my own heart and mind, never agreeing, never aligned. How can I change with the currents, when I am too scared to even touch the harsh coldness the sea bears to offer? I can't progress, my mind has ideas, but my heart gives up before wanting to try them. I try to be ambitious, just to sleep whatever is left of my day away, hoping tomorrow will be more ambitious. 

Nothing ever changes, I've never changed. Time changes, but my cowardice doesn't. Why is it that of all things that I must commit to, it has to be this horrid choking feeling, of never being able to do more, because I am too scared to keep going? 

Time changes, but I don't. The surroundings change, but I don't. When will there be a moment where I feel the true urge and need to surpass myself and move on, from being a coward? Will I ever truly stop being a coward? Will I ever truly get to grow, change, or even pursue greater things?

With each passing day, many people are progressing, changing, whether it be for the better or for the worst, they are moving, in a direction that they see fit in this ever so short time of the present. 

With each progressing day, my heart and mind contradict this shell of mine, and I have no control. What I want ends up being something I don't want. Something I don't need ends up being something I need. These impure feelings that grow out of something that was once so pure, my heart and mind contradicts them all. And nothing these days seems to be changing that. Will there ever be a day, where I get to progress with everyone else? A day where I can be proud to take the next step without looking back, and ending up at square one?

This reality of being a coward, is quite harsh. I lose the will to live, yet, with no confidence to end my story, I continue each day wondering what it would be like to not have to be here. Will there ever be a day, where I won't have to feel this way?

Even so, I will wake up tomorrow, and keep seeing sights I don't want to see, but end up liking what I see. I'll be in places I don't want to be, but be glad I was there. I'll be doing things I think I enjoy, just to end up not enjoying them at all. But with each progressing day, and this everchanging present. This coward, will continue to move forward, even if it's just by existing, for one more day...

The photo used for today's entry is by HEMISPHERE on pixiv.  

Fate

Sometimes I want to believe that being alone in the present is just the heavens preparing me to fall in love with a good person. But knowing that the heavens are helpless and don't help anyone, I end up remembering my place. I want to love someone whole heartedly, but I'm scared of my own flaws that could turn them away. There's lots of things that could go wrong in my situation; whether it be that I accidentally tell the wrong joke and hurt their feelings, or the fact that I pretend to hate something to the point where they think it's real, or maybe even the fact that I yell a lot but don't like it when I get yelled at myself. I think of some of these things as reasons why I can't ever really satisfy the person I want to love. I often feel there is nothing good I can do for them, making them happy, smiling lots for them, or maybe even various types of skinship. Someone like me, can't even consider providing that kind of support for the person they love? It just doesn't feel like love that way. It just feels wrong, and knowing this, is probably why I hate the boys at school so much. I can't trust their smiles or their intentions, but these feelings don't stop with school, I question the reality of the idols smile, which I love so dearly, I question the sadness that overflows my heart when my uncle yells at me, and I can't do anything but stare. A person like me is probably single for these reasons, I don't expect my hopes for the future to change that, especially if I can't see myself making that kind of change for anyone. This is probably why I still don't trust a fake figure such as God. People who give him prayer may cause God to give them miracles. But for me, it's almost like they made sure miracles wouldn't exist for me. I'll probably die alone, but now that I talked this out with myself. I don't feel so bad anymore.