Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

What Corrupts you?


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I feel, like there's nowhere else to go. What corrupts me, is something even I have nobody to tell anymore. Those people I trust. I will push them away, and they will cease to exist, I know these things as a fact, the things are just too good in a small moment, I can't find myself to believe what's worth keeping, and what will leave in the end. My past experiences, make it almost impossible to put down my wall of emotions. I was told I look cold, but the only other way I know I look, is saddened, or upset. No matter how many laughters are brought to me everyday, the thing that always remains in my head, is what will disappear in the next few hours of my slumber... 

Friendships..Relationships..Trust..and the things I used to believe in as a child...

The things I feel when I wake, are matters and bits of loneliness, even though I talk to people everyday, I just... Dont know what to occupy myself with anymore. There are things I have grown out of in order to do new things, yet, my own willpower wont let me take any step further. If only... There was a cure for broken feelings like mine, sad distorted and weilded feelings. 

Everyday, there is that feeling that exists whenever I am given time alone, where even if they care, they're not going to be there... Not for long anyways...

When did I begin to feel this way? This terrible everyday, where even my own words cannot ease my mind, where others try but won't reach me even at their closest. When... Have I... Become so weak...? I wish for simple things in life, yet, those things itself don't show. 

For a few years now, I've stopped asking for presents, I lost the need to want, especially when given the option to be selfish... I still cant find myself to, open up to others, this wall that was built, wont let anyone in, and I feel desolated and abandoned inside, everytime I let down these walls, they disappeared. Do I have to sacrafice myself any further? Or do I continue to step on my own shattered feelings that hurt when I think and ache as I plea for a step further...