I feel like i'm slowly sinking...

I can lay in a pile of flowers and be at peace with my entire self, but the thing is, the only time I will ever lay in a pile of flowers... Is my funeral...

 I feel like... i'm not sure of myself anymore, lately I keep feeling like im bothering the people I care about with my selfishness. It makes me want to crawl in a hole, it makes me want to not tell them anything so i'm not the one bothering them. If only I was born without a voice, I feel like I bother the world with it, just me speaking it bothers people, I can't handle the fact that my own credibility is dying from within. I doubt my every move and how i'm supposed to do things the right way. This fall, i'm going to become a sophmore in high school. I think that it's all for the best, if I just keep my mouth shut and run my own course this upcoming school year. 

     I feel like im dying, from bothering the people that matter to me, sometimes, I feel it was better for me to not return to them at all. I deserved my suffering. I deserve to feel the way I feel now, every horrible thing i've ever done... I feel like I deserve all of it. Karma. I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like if I endured it enough, I would just... Forget... But I haven't forgotten at all. It drags me along each and every single day I live. I believe that I will have to silence myself before the fall, just so I don't bother anyone within my sophmore year...

   But even now, i'm so unsure, of how things will turn out... I keep thinking something from my fantasies and my dreams, will suddenly just happen at school... I'm so naive. It's like those girls from when we were little, believing that we were going to be picked up by a knight in shining armor, and how we were going to live happily ever after. But i've come to realize so many times after my fantasies and daydreams. That those were only dreams, and this is the reality i'm stuck with. There are no knights in shining armor, there are no fantasies becoming a reality. All I have is this sad reality, where I want things to happen, but nothing will, because that's how things were destined to be for me. I was the side character that watched the princess walk into her sunset of happily ever after. I was the girl who probably gossiped with the other villagers about the girl's faults. Nobody knows what happened to them, nobody knew their name, and nobody will ever hear of their existence, just lke this blog. It's my only sanctuary where nobody I care about will judge me, it's the only place where I can cry without someone telling me that "there are people in your situation who don't cry" There's people who sometimes stumble upon here, and find my little world of sadness, but nobody will ever truly about the life of Tsukiko, nobody will ever know her story completely, and nobody will ever know that she truly existed in someone's story. Nobody I know will ever find out, that the tears I rarely shed in real life, were all just let go here. Where all my stories can go unnoticed, and it's ok, because nobody will ever find it. Unlike the places where people do know me, and it matters then because you want to see if people actually care. In this little corner of my hatena blog, nobody exists, and it's my utopia. So in many ways...

I kind of already am sinking in my own little corner of the dark labyrinth of rain and where it can eventually become a rainbow, and there will be a sun in my future.