Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

Sometimes it's Bothering Me

What do I do when a fresh start is given to you, but you feel like you can't quite take it?

School starts today, I feel anxious yet bothersome today. My friend is sleeping and I'm still awake at this ridiculous hour due to insomnia. I feel like a nuisance in the presence of others. When I open my mouth nowadays I feel like keeping it shut. I feel like people don't really want to talk to me, but endure it since I talk anyways. 

I know I'm really annoying in real life and I still can't define why this is happening. But with school starting today. I think I am reverting to my past self, the one who regrets every noise that she makes, or every decision she makes. I am becoming insecure again. I can't do anything about it. I can't find confidence anywhere. I just feel... empty... I know I should consult my friends. But I think they're already tired of hearing my story. 

I should stop being so selfish. But I don't know where to start. The only solution is to keep things to myself from now on. Not bother them, since they have their own problems. I feel useless the more I tell. It's almost useless how I tell people things, when it always goes out the other ear. I feel like there's nobody to really talk to anymore. I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I feel like, I have many things, but they all mount up to nothing. And I cannot bring myself to tell my friends about this. Are they even really friends if I feel this way?

My best friend of 4 years decieves me and doesn't trust me. She tries to act like she's close to me when I'm the furthest away. What do I do about someone I really do care about like this? When she treats me like this I talk about her behind my back, yet I want to defend her. I want to crush my heart to pieces.

My friend group has lots of people, many loveable people. But I feel like a nuisance when I tell them my problems. I feel like secretly they really just dont care and I really shouldn't tell them in the first place. Because even if I told them, they'd actually try to change the topic, but I don't say anything. I think I should lock my teeth in place and cut out my throat. It would bother people less this way. 

There are people outside of my friend group too. They're against me. Just seeing them in public is bad enough. They see me, awkwardly say "hi" and scurry away to pretend like they've never encountered me. I wish I was invisible so people wouldn't see me as a monster. 

I feel so empty and helpless, I really don't know what to do. Why do I want to rip my feelings away so badly? And why do I feel so useless, when a fresh start is waiting for me, in a few hours? I don't think telling anyone these things would ever matter. And I don't think I want to tell anyone anything anymore. Not in this world.