Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

Predicted or Planned?

What if everything you knew or thought would happen, actually happened... and you couldn't do anything about it even though it was right in front of you?

The fresh start I thought was a fresh start really wasn't all that great. I tried so many times within these few days to just perk myself up and be cheerful even if it hurt. But it's really difficult.

The new freshmen of the school irritate me. They're bland and they're all the same. Same speech same interests same talents. There's literally nothing I can even distinguish between an entire graduating class. They even all have and wear similar clothing, there is no expression within that generation. If someone asked me if I would ever fall in love with them, right now I would most certainly say I could never see them as something indifferent to me. Not when they are like the rest of their entire grade level. But other than liking freshmen...

The boy I "like" I'm not so sure about. Seeing him gives me violent feelings and a feeling of my stomach sinking. I would rather not interact with him at all anymore, which I have been planning to for a while. He's a junior this year... he'll be leaving really soon.. I will never get to say goodbye and I will never again say hello to him. It just hurts to much to think about him and how love would work it's magic. The man who blinded me my freshman year made me realize how blind I was towards people. Love really did make me blind and it hurt when the blindfold came off, to see the destruction he let me cause when he convinced me they were flowers, just to see shattered glass on the floor and my feet bleeding from the destruction below me. 

Well now, the boy I do somewhat still have feelings for, has it against me. He despises me for who I am. Therefore, moving on should be my best choice... right?  

Haha, I even thought I would make a friend, is my second week and I feel as alone as I can be. I feel like I do everthing alone or that I am the only one taking the path that nobody else wants to take. Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I want my heart to just crumble and stop what emotions are flowing through? 

I get the great immense feeling, that sophmore year, is going to be anything but an enjoyable year. Being alone will be hard, but if I did it once, I'm sure I can do it once more... I just have to survive this year... Even if I'll be walking on glass instead of flowers.