I don't often feel like a new year matters, but there are multiple occasions nowadays, where I feel the need to reinvent myself. My attitude since 2015 haven't been desirable. Which is why I felt the gaping hole in my heart as the year ended, it felt empty, it felt like a deep pressure that wouldn't go away no matter how much I attempted to cough and scream my feelings out. It became a part of me. It slowly swallowed me whole without my knowing, it made me turn on those I didn't know, like a prey that had its whole world changed without its knowing. I soon became someone I didn't know, and by the time I found out about my behavior, it was too late. I had already hurt too many with my persona of sadness. I almost felt as if the world went against me.
It's now 2016, and I know that new year new me stuff doesn't ever really work, which is why so many people joke about it. But somehow I feel the urge to replenish and find my spirit again this year. I may feel lost, which is why I write about these things. But it doesn't matter. I am striving for a me who doesn't care what others may assume, a me who doesn't care if her crush doesn't like her back, a me... who is satisfied with just going to school and seeing my friends everyday and making new memories with them. I may not be doing much right now or in the future, but I will attempt to live this year and hopefully the ones after that, with a smile that even my non ideal self can achieve in this lifetime.