Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?


Lately I have been having trouble with saying things to my friends. I'm not sure if it's unintended or not, but I feel like I'm usually being ignored. Nowadays I'm scared to say anything in their conversations. I'm hanging out with them tomorrow too, I'm kind of nervous. On another note, I feel incompetent everytime I enter the classroom nowadays, I can't seem to perk my confidence up to do anything significant. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. If I'm just going through some kind of bum phase or something, but I'm really hoping I can get over it. But it's just never that easy. I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow, I'm really nervous on being ignored or rejected. Maybe I just shouldn't say anything so I can't be ignored...
   M is going through a rough time as always, although my friends speak about her issues, I can't find it in my heart to say anything encouraging. Sometimes I think it would be better if I stayed in santa Ana, because maybe then, I wouldn't have to feel attached to them, and M could have that family she really wanted. Nugget talking about it just makes me feel as if I shouldn't be in the squad and maybe M shouldve been the one who stayed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really just want to get over it. I'm with them in Rowland heights and I really should be happy for everything I have. I just don't get why I feel so negative so often. I actually should just shut up for a while so I'm not a nuisance for once. Because everyone loves  people like shumin, I sometimes feel no matter how she does things, she will always be supported. Everyone else in the squad too, i feel everyone all have their redeeming traits, but im just going to be hated more and more and eventually get kicked out. People like Brenda, i feel pressured not to say anything around Brenda nowadays, because everthing i say is always wrong, i don't want to be hit or yelled at so she can be right, i feel she's better off without my opinion, i even feel the sense she hates my stupidity and wants to make sure i get ignored at times, but I'm just being crude by thinking these things, she probably doesn't even mean to do make me feel this way, I'm just being unconfident in my friend. Everyone has their redeeming traits except me, and I suddenly end up feeling empty again like I did in the 7th grade. I know in my heart they want M to be in the squad, no matter how she may be, but they chose to spare my feelings and kicked her out instead. How selfish can I be? For it to get this extreme and to think that they would ever like M? All those times they said nothing when I ranted, was because they still really cared, I'm the only one who just doesn't feel that way, and maybe I should be the one who gets out casted by nugget. I believe I'm the only one who hates M for all those times she lied to me. And at the end of the day, I will always feel undeserving of anything.