Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?


I'm such a horrible person there are almost no words to explain my feelings at the moment. I can't believe that even at the times where I sound grieve, there's still room for anger. I don't want to be mad anymore, I don't want to be easily upset anymore, I don't want to be negative anymore. I feel constantly pressured to pick a side between friends when I really cannot choose. I'm so scared of being alone and having nobody. I'm so scared of losing everything when I'm trying to just keep myself together. Why can't I just cheer people on? Why can't I just wish my friend to be safe ?Why do I have to be mad about everything? Why can't I just make things right for myself and those around me? I feel like a failure for a human and a friend. I don't feel like I deserve anyone, why do I still have friends, I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anything. I've done so many wrong things, no wonder why nobody in theatre or school likes me. It's no wonder why I don't have any other friends in this small corner of the world. 

I'm so sad. I just want it to stop. I just want to be happy. Why can't I find myself any happiness in being myself anymore? I'm such a failure. I'm such a mess. Why am I alive, I don't deserve to be alive. I can't be happy, I can't be myself. I can't do anything but cry to myself because I'm not the victim, only the victim deserves the attention to cry. I'm the criminal that is so horrible that I let my own friend get hurt, I wasn't by her side when she needed someone, I left her to be in pain by herself. How could I be so horrible? How can I call myself human when all I have done is all wrong. I can't believe that I've done so many horrible things to the people I love, and still feel like I deserve anything. Grandpa lied, god never helps with anything, he can't exist. I'm so horrible, a fake diety such as god can't forgive me even in his own mind. What's wrong with me, why do I only do the wrong things, why am I so scared, why do I hurt people. I don't want to live anymore, I really don't deserve to live anymore