Flustered 072316

Lately I don't feel like I have much feelings towards anything, I did however get more into kpop which is a good thing to keep my mind on for a while. But I feel the pressure of the future slowly approaching my doorstep, and knowing such a thing, scares me. Even though I've gotten into kpop a lot lately, I often think to myself if a person's existence will really affect those above us on the social scale. Not everyone will get noticed let alone appreciated, some people who don't deserve the spotlight get all of the credit, and even doing so, the social ladder doesn't change. It may be very pessimistic of me to say such things. But I cannot help but think this way in the meantime. 

        School is also making its way towards me. I'm scared and frightened that I won't meet up to anyone's expectations,even though I really shouldn't have to. I'm such a wimp. I sometimes wish I wasn't born so negative or angry. My friends often point out the pessimistic things I say and I feel bad for it every time, I don't mean to be that way, but it's slowly devoured me whole. I can't really think any other way, I'm just trying to not be as pessimistic nowadays, but to be honest, it's quite hard. 

          That's why I say such things as kpop is good for keeping my mind off certain things, it seems to cheer me up, almost as if saving me from a false crisis, and whole heartedly, I am thankful for that. 

           I often wonder if writing these entries mean anything to me, but I'm honestly glad that right now, there is a website nobody I know uses, only I know of, for me to write about my inner thoughts to myself and for myself. I get neither criticism or praise, and knowing such a fact lifts a large weight off my shoulders, since not everything can be consoled with friends or family, some feelings have to be felt alone. 

             I have often been thinking of my future self as well. Teenage thoughts will always be different from adult thoughts, so I hope that my future self feels happier doing what she does and can be with the people that she cares about and vice versa. It's so naive of me to say such things without knowing what will happen in the future. But maybe writing this kind of thing down will help me remember the feelings I've once had. 

              I'm also completely positive that reading this in the future will give me a big headache, so I'll stop with the sap right here.