Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

12월 2일 2016년


오늘은 슬퍼요

It's officially December and my mood hasn't been especially great because of a few thoughts and my ugly personality has been taking a run for a while. I seem to feel sad knowing some people live their life not being able to love another, they will almost never get a chance at a normal relationship and that honestly saddens me to the core. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just know, I'm not as happy as I could be, there's plenty of other things I'd rather be doing. I'll be turning 17 next week, I also have mixed emotions on it. But I do know that I will be celebrating with people I never thought I'd celebrate with, and that should be a nice scene of change. I find it difficult to talk to certain people since they don't want to talk to me, I also still have the heavy feeling of being a burden to someone when it definitely isn't my intention. I don't know how to solve my own dilemma, but I certainly don't like how it has vacationed in my heart for far too long. I hopefully never encounter someone reading this, but I really can't feel happy if anything right now. Although I feel bad since people might believe so, I can't seem to be happy. Some may press me about seventeen coming back and how that should make me happy. But I think of the season where you're supposed to be with family, the season where everyone should be together in harmony, and enjoy the things around them. Idols don't have that kind of luxury, which kind of disheartened my true emotions for this comeback. As happy as I should be this season, there's many dark emotions lurking within me I would prefer not to have, but seem to be lurking every corner. I don't like it, it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't understand why, but it hurts me every corner if anything. If only expressing my feelings was this easy. I also can't seem to shake off my growing negativity for someone I met a while ago. I seem to be more and more upset as each day grows. It's unsettling and I don't particularly like it very much. With such emotions, I think I should really Uninstall twitter soon, it's growing to be bad on me and I can't seem to lighten my mood even though Seventeen used to do it so easily. Now, I just feel less and less confident in myself and everything I do. Everything I bother trying is making me more unhappy. I can't shake off these feelings, it's definitely growing on me, but I hope I find something better to make me happy again. I found many little distractions that can make me happy, but it never quite stays with me. My heart still becomes easily detached to everything I want to accomplish.

I believe I was quite selfish with my holiday shopping this year. Although I hope the gifts I got for others will be enjoyed by the receiver. I got myself a few things as well, but certainly this is a chance for myself to find new explorations, and become more grateful for the things I have and the people I'm with. I'm, very scared for my birthday, but I believe deep down it will work out on it's own, and with good luck, I shall see what I write next time.