Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?



Sometimes I want to believe that being alone in the present is just the heavens preparing me to fall in love with a good person. But knowing that the heavens are helpless and don't help anyone, I end up remembering my place. I want to love someone whole heartedly, but I'm scared of my own flaws that could turn them away. There's lots of things that could go wrong in my situation; whether it be that I accidentally tell the wrong joke and hurt their feelings, or the fact that I pretend to hate something to the point where they think it's real, or maybe even the fact that I yell a lot but don't like it when I get yelled at myself. I think of some of these things as reasons why I can't ever really satisfy the person I want to love. I often feel there is nothing good I can do for them, making them happy, smiling lots for them, or maybe even various types of skinship. Someone like me, can't even consider providing that kind of support for the person they love? It just doesn't feel like love that way. It just feels wrong, and knowing this, is probably why I hate the boys at school so much. I can't trust their smiles or their intentions, but these feelings don't stop with school, I question the reality of the idols smile, which I love so dearly, I question the sadness that overflows my heart when my uncle yells at me, and I can't do anything but stare. A person like me is probably single for these reasons, I don't expect my hopes for the future to change that, especially if I can't see myself making that kind of change for anyone. This is probably why I still don't trust a fake figure such as God. People who give him prayer may cause God to give them miracles. But for me, it's almost like they made sure miracles wouldn't exist for me. I'll probably die alone, but now that I talked this out with myself. I don't feel so bad anymore.