Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

Coward Heart


In an ocean full of fish, I feel like the only one who has yet to swim outside their comfort zone, and explore the potential beyond the small sea

Often times, many people believe that they know themselves best. Their likes, dislikes, desires, despositions... But for whatever reason, I feel to the contrary of that popular belief. 

I really think I have the heart of a coward, constantly thinking I finally figured myself out just to do something unexpected and end up at square one all over again. Constantly lost, never located. Always wanting to do more, but never doing anything. Always living in fear, thinking i'm living in confidence. Such things, I believe, make me a coward. 

Each passing day, we progress, in this everchanging society, so why is it that I can't progress with them? Why is it that nothing ever changes for me? It's because i'm a coward. I'm a weak and filthy coward.

With my own heart and mind, never agreeing, never aligned. How can I change with the currents, when I am too scared to even touch the harsh coldness the sea bears to offer? I can't progress, my mind has ideas, but my heart gives up before wanting to try them. I try to be ambitious, just to sleep whatever is left of my day away, hoping tomorrow will be more ambitious. 

Nothing ever changes, I've never changed. Time changes, but my cowardice doesn't. Why is it that of all things that I must commit to, it has to be this horrid choking feeling, of never being able to do more, because I am too scared to keep going? 

Time changes, but I don't. The surroundings change, but I don't. When will there be a moment where I feel the true urge and need to surpass myself and move on, from being a coward? Will I ever truly stop being a coward? Will I ever truly get to grow, change, or even pursue greater things?

With each passing day, many people are progressing, changing, whether it be for the better or for the worst, they are moving, in a direction that they see fit in this ever so short time of the present. 

With each progressing day, my heart and mind contradict this shell of mine, and I have no control. What I want ends up being something I don't want. Something I don't need ends up being something I need. These impure feelings that grow out of something that was once so pure, my heart and mind contradicts them all. And nothing these days seems to be changing that. Will there ever be a day, where I get to progress with everyone else? A day where I can be proud to take the next step without looking back, and ending up at square one?

This reality of being a coward, is quite harsh. I lose the will to live, yet, with no confidence to end my story, I continue each day wondering what it would be like to not have to be here. Will there ever be a day, where I won't have to feel this way?

Even so, I will wake up tomorrow, and keep seeing sights I don't want to see, but end up liking what I see. I'll be in places I don't want to be, but be glad I was there. I'll be doing things I think I enjoy, just to end up not enjoying them at all. But with each progressing day, and this everchanging present. This coward, will continue to move forward, even if it's just by existing, for one more day...


The photo used for today's entry is by HEMISPHERE on pixiv.