Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?

The present



I feel horrible, I really do, fighting with Brenda when she couldn't give a second care about how I feel. I'm just so upset, I always feel like my feelings are justified, or that I just don't deserve these feelings of anger. Why is that? Why don't I ever feel valid in anything I do? Why do I always apologize first and nobody else does? Why do I move aside for people who will purposely expect me to move for them? It's just not fair, I feel at times. Why does Brenda get to have the upper hand by pulling the victim card and saying everything is her fault when it isn't? Why doesn't she ever just apologize to me when I get mad, but apologizes to everyone else when she has to? Why doesn't she ever try to hear me out when I try to express my feelings? She never really cares about what I enjoy, plus she ignores me when I want to contribute work because she thinks her way is always the right way. I am never validated by her, always ignored, I honestly feel like she could care less, and that the only reason why she tried to leave today was so that she wouldn't make the rest of them upset, since she never even attempted or even thought about apologizing for what she did the other day and ignoring us in that way. I hate how when I want to tell her how I feel, I never tell her because she's going to just brush it off with her own topic or just say something to stop me from talking. I honestly feel like I have such a useless existence when I'm around her, yet she still wants to try and maintain this "friendship" that we have? I don't know how much longer I can continue to push aside my feelings of not wanting to exist when I'm around Brenda. She obviously could care less if I stopped talking, or if I just didn't hang out with her anymore. She wants the rest of nugget to be her friend, not really me. Since I can't even recall the last time she bothered caring about what I had to say without her brushing off my feelings to talk about something she wants or cares more about. I don't ever want to show her my music, or whatever I accomplish when I play games, I don't even want to talk to her about seventeen anymore because when I do mention them, she either gets mad at me or just ignores me to talk about herself and her personal events. I really feel like a useless existence in the eyes of Brenda, and I don't know what to do at this point. I've felt this way since sophomore year.