Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?



An ever changing mood, in a world where patience is a waste. I can now see, these days, why I do not have the things that I aspire to have. I'm just not meant, to have the things I exactly want in life. The things I work hard for will almost always go to waste. The decisions I make will almost always make sure to visit and haunt my memories. There are reminders all around me, as to why I don't deserve to be happy in life. The days in where I'll struggle with just getting to school, the days in where I walk to school and all the cars pass by with their pitied eyes upon my presence. The days where my mom chooses to be a coward and blame me for the way things turned out for her. The days where just being myself is a drag, and a knock in the back of my mind. A constant reminder, that I am not in a fairytale, and I am just a person with a fate that is just meant to be unhappy. The things I work for, all go to waste, they show no results. No matter what efforts I give the world, there will be nobody there to see it. As efforts are only considered what they are, if another has seen them. Which is why; those with fame will always be known for their efforts. Whereas the ones without the lenses in their direction, will only have their ever failing memory upon them to bring about their own dying history. My test scores fail, my ambitions fail, my lifestyle fails, and almost undoubtedly, so will my future. A pattern, how can I not see it? The unhappiness I'm entitled to will always lurk in my mind before the idea of happiness for a lost case ever could. The reason. The reason why I cannot find significance in loving someone, is because I will never truly learn to love myself. Is such tyranny not a good enough reason to make sure, that everyone stays away from the monster that will only hurt others? I have actually figured it out a long time ago. The reason why I cannot and will not love anyone for a lifetime, is because I will only entitle them to painful memories. There are no pleasant fables in where a horrid beast can receive a happy ending, such things simply don't exist, is simple. True monsters do not get happy endings. As am I, a horrid monster, who deserves nothing but the loneliness and solitude that they must have upon themselves to not hurt the beings of the good, the praiseworthy, and the great. A happy ending, does not exist for a monster such as I. A monster who has birthed from their mother, evil is bound to pass on, for generations to come, unhappiness is a virtue that a monster learns to embrace. As for me, I'll continue to disappoint not only myself, but the others around me as well, for the sole purpose that redemption and recognition is not in my destiny, and my destiny was meant to and will be a cruel one. A monster birthed from a heart of evil, will be evil and have no room for ideas such as love and happiness, as monsters are not entitled to that kind of pleasure in their  lifetime. I'll live this way for quite a while, as I will probably never attain happiness, knowing the way my life has gone by so far, where nothing works out for the best, where I am almost certainly not living a normal life, finding a normal love, or having a normal existence, I'll lock the remnants of my compassion like a treasure, so that treasure cannot be tainted like the others. Although I want to be happy, my heart already knows, that such a thing, will definitely not be entitled to a monster like me.