Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?




Years have passed, years of annoyance, tears, and freedom I have still yet to obtain.

Years have passed, and I am annoyed of the fact that you still bother me. Despite my desperate mask, feigning confidence and happiness in strides, hoping you will leave me alone. No matter the time, annoyance is an emotion that consistently nicks me at all sides, like a moth, who cannot stop hitting the bulb of light before it.

Your existence, serves to annoy me and remind my foolish self, that when in new emotions of affection or romance, that only pain, delusion, and manipulation will bear fruit. As I am the tree bearing this fruit, I must constantly be annoyed, and persistently remember, that the fruit had turned rotten, because it met you, and the results are irreversible. 

You, who placed yourself on a moral and selfishly high pedestal, also manages to annoy me by simply hearing your name. 

Someone told me he admitted to them that he cheated on her when they were dating

Everyone knew


Oh him? I had class with him before and him and his friends seemed awkward when I talked about you

Annoyance, at all sides.

You, were the one who cheated on me,

You were the one who kept pestering me, for a peaceful end that you desperately needed

So why am I,

The one growing numb on annoyance,

The one being told I'm wrong for being traumatized,

The one who can no longer make friends without sense of unease,

The one who can no longer trust anyone on this earth enough to ever love someone again, 

Why must I be the only one who is annoyed to this extent. 

Years have passed, and I still somehow find reasons to shed tears. Reasons with your name attached to them. Back then, the amount of tears I held, were insurmountable to the amount you think you had. 

Tears, for when I thought I could use my senior year to hold whatever faith I had left in you, to be the mature person you claimed to be and actually talk things out. 

Tears, for when I found out a friend I hadn't seen in 5 years, was threatened by you

Tears, for when I realized that if I want to make friends, they still somehow have to go through you

Tears, for when I decided from that point on, to take the blame and never trust again, so I can keep my loved ones, away from you

Tears, when I found out you cheated on me, and still had the nerve to bother me and claim your affections and intentions were pure. 

Tears, when I found this all out the night before I was going to meet Seventeen, the boys who got me back on my feet and kept me on my feet since

Tears, knowing I can never forgive you and that I have to bear this pain of manipulation and deceit for a lifetime

Tears, for being the stupid one who got cheated on, tossed around, and talked about,  when I was deemed as not enough and pitiful by those you blatantly told, that you had cheated on me in the first place, and me, never having a clue

And tears, I won't shed for you, especially after seeing your messages from the past year, and all that I've been through prior. 

While I cried, you gracefully lived your life to your desires, your pleasures, and your ever growing connection of friends. All of which, a foolish person like me could ever be envious for, but can never attain, after the manipulation I faced from you that still haunts me to this day. 


Years have passed, and the messages you have left me may be kindhearted. But no matter how much you wish for my happiness in fickle notes, I will forever be shackled to the manipulation and deceit you have put me through. I will never attain the freedom that I want because of my selfish harboring of these wicked feelings of hatred and the inability to forgive and forget. 

I won't be able to attain the freedom of a friendship that doesn't start with feelings of doubt or worry, that they won't have to see you in their lifetime and face your wrath. 

I won't be able to attain freedom from these memories attached to me

Out of all the people I could've been dating, it had to be you


This is why the people you love always leave you


Words said to me, and repeated endlessly on my mind.

Years have passed, but I haven't forgotten the pain you've caused me, as they're shackled to my being, not letting me be set free. 


Years have passed, and I have taken so many steps to recovery, making friends despite your threats to my current ones, overcoming the pain of knowing your existence is nearby somewhere and resisting my urge to feel sick enough to cry on the spot, having friends knowing they're not safe with you around but will stay by my side as a friend anyways, finding new reasons to be happy without romantic companionship, living life everyday, studying, working, and enjoying my free time like normal people do, and most importantly, living life confidently when I can without having to worry about you. 


Years have passed, and I am only asking you now, to stop thinking about some "ideal" or "aura" that you think me to have and overthink about. Stop looking for some kind of closure, because you could easily end these fickle feelings on your own, if you had enough willpower to. Stop annoying me, with these new updates I don't wish to see, whether it be messages or even thinking of me.


If you're really back in reality, that is the best wish I could have ever gotten granted. But if you happen to see this, this is my final plea for you to move on, and leave me alone, have your friends leave me alone, as I only wish to be left alone. 


I wish I didn't have to see your messages, I wish I didn't have all these problems revolved around you, since they are partially my fault and still my fault for not completely healing. But I really wish you didn't have to continue doing things like this, things you know if you put to a halt, that things would end peacefully for all of us. 


Though, I really wished you took the superior word of advice, when she warned you not to think of me, speak of me, and especially, that closure from me is the last thing you're getting, since you need to do it yourself. 


Years have passed Jeremy,

and it's about time to let this phase in your life pass as well. I'm begging you to leave me alone, from your thoughts, from your words, from your entire existence, please just leave and let all of this pass.


  • I don't and will not miss you.