Tsukiko's Blog

Where does the endless rain cloud in my mind really wander to?



Lately, it feels quite empty, everything I do. With no end in sight, a change in goals, I wonder, if there's anything valuable or meaningful from living this life of mine. 

Sometimes, it feels as if I live this life without purpose, to merely exist as someone in the crowd for another person's much grander tale, maybe for a person who is loved, knows where they want to be, can do as they please without shackles. Maybe I simply exist to make someone else shine more brightly among the stars. 

We know Polaris, but we never know the lights that shine inferior to it. But maybe for me, I might just be the darkness that stars emanate from. 

These days I wish I had a purpose, I wish I could tell myself in the future, that things can get better, that there are no shackles that prevent me from living life the way I want to. Not that it would ever happen, I think she knows it too. 

Living feels like a chore, even if I died, I'll easily be forgotten, I'll just cease to live. My friends might be sad, but would I even feel it? Would I ever feel the desperate will to live, desperate enough to start treating this poor shell of a body properly, instead of bashing it as if it were a bug that ruined my day? 

Sometimes, I don't know whether to even be grateful, for being able to have problems that aren't devastating, to be even slightly more privileged than others with less than what I have. I don't know if I should even know the emotion of being upset when someone else out there is going through so much worse, and are surviving day by day with it. 

When I can't even bring myself to not think about disappearing from this earth every night before I bury the thoughts 6 feet deep in my pillow as my brain forces rest upon me. 

I don't know why I'm alive, I don't feel like I should be, but I also don't have the courage to leave. I don't have the courage to give up this life of mine, even though I should. This life, feels so meaningless, without purpose. I feel like living my life brings nothing meaningful, my existence could never be meaningful. 

Probably because that's how the stars intended it to be.