Predicted or Planned?

What if everything you knew or thought would happen, actually happened... and you couldn't do anything about it even though it was right in front of you?

The fresh start I thought was a fresh start really wasn't all that great. I tried so many times within these few days to just perk myself up and be cheerful even if it hurt. But it's really difficult.

The new freshmen of the school irritate me. They're bland and they're all the same. Same speech same interests same talents. There's literally nothing I can even distinguish between an entire graduating class. They even all have and wear similar clothing, there is no expression within that generation. If someone asked me if I would ever fall in love with them, right now I would most certainly say I could never see them as something indifferent to me. Not when they are like the rest of their entire grade level. But other than liking freshmen...

The boy I "like" I'm not so sure about. Seeing him gives me violent feelings and a feeling of my stomach sinking. I would rather not interact with him at all anymore, which I have been planning to for a while. He's a junior this year... he'll be leaving really soon.. I will never get to say goodbye and I will never again say hello to him. It just hurts to much to think about him and how love would work it's magic. The man who blinded me my freshman year made me realize how blind I was towards people. Love really did make me blind and it hurt when the blindfold came off, to see the destruction he let me cause when he convinced me they were flowers, just to see shattered glass on the floor and my feet bleeding from the destruction below me. 

Well now, the boy I do somewhat still have feelings for, has it against me. He despises me for who I am. Therefore, moving on should be my best choice... right?  

Haha, I even thought I would make a friend, is my second week and I feel as alone as I can be. I feel like I do everthing alone or that I am the only one taking the path that nobody else wants to take. Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I want my heart to just crumble and stop what emotions are flowing through? 

I get the great immense feeling, that sophmore year, is going to be anything but an enjoyable year. Being alone will be hard, but if I did it once, I'm sure I can do it once more... I just have to survive this year... Even if I'll be walking on glass instead of flowers. 

Sometimes it's Bothering Me

What do I do when a fresh start is given to you, but you feel like you can't quite take it?

School starts today, I feel anxious yet bothersome today. My friend is sleeping and I'm still awake at this ridiculous hour due to insomnia. I feel like a nuisance in the presence of others. When I open my mouth nowadays I feel like keeping it shut. I feel like people don't really want to talk to me, but endure it since I talk anyways. 

I know I'm really annoying in real life and I still can't define why this is happening. But with school starting today. I think I am reverting to my past self, the one who regrets every noise that she makes, or every decision she makes. I am becoming insecure again. I can't do anything about it. I can't find confidence anywhere. I just feel... empty... I know I should consult my friends. But I think they're already tired of hearing my story. 

I should stop being so selfish. But I don't know where to start. The only solution is to keep things to myself from now on. Not bother them, since they have their own problems. I feel useless the more I tell. It's almost useless how I tell people things, when it always goes out the other ear. I feel like there's nobody to really talk to anymore. I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I feel like, I have many things, but they all mount up to nothing. And I cannot bring myself to tell my friends about this. Are they even really friends if I feel this way?

My best friend of 4 years decieves me and doesn't trust me. She tries to act like she's close to me when I'm the furthest away. What do I do about someone I really do care about like this? When she treats me like this I talk about her behind my back, yet I want to defend her. I want to crush my heart to pieces.

My friend group has lots of people, many loveable people. But I feel like a nuisance when I tell them my problems. I feel like secretly they really just dont care and I really shouldn't tell them in the first place. Because even if I told them, they'd actually try to change the topic, but I don't say anything. I think I should lock my teeth in place and cut out my throat. It would bother people less this way. 

There are people outside of my friend group too. They're against me. Just seeing them in public is bad enough. They see me, awkwardly say "hi" and scurry away to pretend like they've never encountered me. I wish I was invisible so people wouldn't see me as a monster. 

I feel so empty and helpless, I really don't know what to do. Why do I want to rip my feelings away so badly? And why do I feel so useless, when a fresh start is waiting for me, in a few hours? I don't think telling anyone these things would ever matter. And I don't think I want to tell anyone anything anymore. Not in this world.

How it all went down

If I were to be asked "would you ever do this again?" I would probably shake my head in desperation and cry from remembering how it all went...

Today i'm writing about my experience from 7th grade when I had moved schools, and how things went after I had left. To this day nobody in my everyday life will know, and I wouldn't let them know because they would think I posted it to be some attention dweeb, and this is my sanctuary so I feel safe knowing my experience is going to the anonymous, and not my friends. 

In December of my 7th grade year I moved to a new school, new city, for the first time in 5 years. Having moved a lot in my childhood, I thought things like 

I've moved countless times before, this shouldn't be much of a change right? 

I was completely wrong

I moved to a city where things were big and the landscape was much larger. Things seemed quite normal, until I got to the school I was completely shocked and scared when I got there. Because the first thing I saw were the people, they were mexicans

I'm not generally racist, but as a child I had experienced many harsh moments because of the race, and being the minority race within Mexicans, getting bullied by them somewhat left a scar on me as I grew older, the last time I had seen that many in a school was probably the 1st grade due to trauma.

I was terrified and I knew right then I was in the county of my childhood, the place where kids shoved my head in the sandbox, the place where I would be forced to take my shoes of or they would push me then steal them to make me walk into a bee pit within the clovers. It was a terrifying place that scarred me, but I HAD  to think optimistic, maybe they had changed. I was soon going to realize, they had gotten worse. 

My first day there I met a girl [I'm calling her C for anonymous reasons] and she was kind to me seeing I was scared and also found out I was going to have multiple classes with her. She was incredibly kind to me and let me eat with her etc, and I also met a few other people who tried to welcome me with open arms as I went to each class. 

I was beginning to think that I had gotten the wrong idea, being people were quite nice, but that wasn't going to last very long. 

I had gotten out of winter break for the second time and I was trying to leisurely figure out what to do with my life, but it was hard, I cried almost every morning, finally realizing that I was missing my friends from my previous school and the fact that I wasn't going to be able to easily talk to people anymore, since everyone had different interests and mine were completely different [Meaning little to no weebs here]

[ The school I moved from was already released for winter break, however, the one I moved to, wasn't therefore, I had taken an extra week of school]

 Eventually I got off my ass and stopped crying every morning, but I missed my old school a lot, and I would think about them and how they were doing every day. 

School had started again and it's now January, it's officially my second week at school. I realized I was alone, and cold [Being winter] But what made it harder to survive, was that people had already started doing things for no reason. It was monday and I was in world history, and I sat near the back, but there was still someone behind me, and in the middle of class I dropped my pencil on the side while taking notes. So I go to pick it up when my table tilts a little, and someone kicks the desk to make me fall completely on my side, school supplies and everything. Everyone in class was laughing, but that didn't hurt, what hurt the most was that she pretended to help me and that the teacher didn't even notice that my weak desk was kicked from behind to make me fall over, she just said 

It's ok it happens pretty often

Pretty often? You mean getting kicked to fall over happens "Pretty often?" That's complete shit. I was forced to tell my friends I just fell over and smile it off. I immediately felt like shit and wanted to go back to my previous school, and it was just the second week. 

On Tuesday I had gotten told off by a few mexicans because on the first day, a teacher moved a kid's seat so I could have a place to sit. They said things like 

Why don't you go home you stupid chinita! 

Yeah you fucking dumbass go back to your stupid chinatown!

Stupid bitch took my seat when she can sit on the floor like any other stupid chinita

I felt like crying because I didn't think that my existence was goint to be that belittled over a stupid seat. The teacher found out this time though, and decided to call them out in class and tell them not to say those things. But it didn't really make me feel better, because they meant every word, but with a half assed "sorry" at the end. I was honestly hurt, and still to this day, I think they meant every word. 

It is now Wednesday and the schedule does a 360 on this day, nutrition is different [there's 2 nutritions here, and 2 lunches too] I thought C was going to hang out with me, but it didn't seem like that was going to happen, in basic terms, I got travelled on, used to keep her company. But that was ok, I had my drawings with me to work on, I remember bringing in a spare sheet of paper in each day to draw so I would look like I was busy and not completely alone. I did this until I moved again in 8th grade. 

I probably remember this wednesday specifically there to be the most vivid one of my life, and changed my viewpoint of that school within seconds. I was heading to lunch, but I didn't have lunch with anyone because it was wednesday and it was only my second week there. I was almost at the front of the lunch line when a tall mexican girl standing behind me is yelling at one of the boys at the lunch tables. The boy takes the gum from his mouth and throws it on her shirt, but she catches it and throws it back at him, except, it didn't land on him, it landed in my hair.

At first I just got the gum and threw it away at the trashcan that was right next to me, and I am lowkey getting upset, she and her friend begin pushing me from behind and I slap her hands away and tell her to back off. She gets offended and tells me "What's with your attitude?" and slaps me in the back of the head with quite a bit of force for me to almost hit the security teacher in front of me with my head. 

I begin to cry because I immediately think things like "What did I ever do to you? What the heck is wrong with me removing gum from my own hair and telling you not to shove people around for you to be hitting me for no reason?" The girl laughs at me and says things like "aw look what a fucking child she's crying! lolol"  and at that point the security teacher lets us get lunch and I run away from her as fast as I can, grabbing the food as quickly as possible as everything got blurry from the tears welling up in my eyes, I run into the bathroom to try and calmly eat my food but my hiccuping makes a commotion among the students, and i'm forced to throw my untouched food away and try to be alone as fast as I can. But eventually a few girls find me and take me to the counselor as im forced to point out who hit me and try my best to stop crying. It was probably the worst day of my life at that school. 

The next wednesday came around and I immediately woke up scared, due to what had happened the previous week, I was terrified of encountering them again during lunch. So I had forced myself to pretend like I was sick so I wouldn't have to go to school. [It wasn't easy considering the fact that that my parents are very strict about attending school even if I am sick] My mom found out when she came home from work, and I was forced to go to school the next day, and she still had no clue why I was trying to desperately avoid school...

I hated walking into school, everyday the kids waiting in the hallways near the enterance of the school would look at me walking in like I was scum or that I was a hinderance in their daily lives, I got that look just for walking into my own school. I would immediately remember my old school and how I desperately wanted to go back, even if none of them had contacted me. Even when they did, there was already too much pressure for me to tell them what was going on, they had their normal lives, I couldn't even start telling them about mine. 

It had been a few months since then, I met some people that I could hang out with during nutritions, and calmly eat with at lunch, I learned about travellers, people who went from group to group and constantly left other groups to hang out with others.I met plenty of them, and still to this day, many of them try to pretend and understand how I felt at the time I was there. But they couldn't, there is no way they could've.

I made a friend named W when I had no friends in PE, she was a grade younger than me [6th grader] and mexican at that, and I thought her life was quite calming and refreshing, when she introduced me to her friends. But she had hardships in school too, she lost friends and those people she lost made it harder for her to get back up, but she wasn't weak, and she was the reason why I forced myself to not cry as much. I basically became her asian best friend at this school, and we hung out despite our differences, We only ever had PE together, [even in 8th grade] I thank her partially for becoming the sarcastic bearable me today. 

Or the travelers that helped me make a small group of friends, [that didn't last very long] Their names were T, D, J, B, and K. We would talk after school, doing homework, or playing games, or just plain talking, I never quite fit in with them, so I usually kept quiet, but they really tried their best to stay comitted to talking everyday. T, D, and K were graduating from the school [wow sounds fancy] so before the school year ended, when we became friends, they came to my lunch table to try and talk to me everyday along with B. There were a few others like A or V, but wasn't exactly convinced that they were there for me, unless they needed to know the homework assignments.

But this isn't exactly about how I made friends, and this story doesn't exactly end happy. I still had many bullying incidents, where gum was put in my face when I was sitting and drawing for no reason, or when a kid dumped apple juice on me and my friends because he thought it would be fun to try to hit us. 

I eventually moved back to my old school for family reasons, but not everything was easily fixed. IT especially hurt when people suddenly pretended to care especially people I never even talked to my entire school year there, sitting next to them but them not giving a second crap about me being their daily english partner, until I had to leave their side. 

Going back to my old school made it hard for me to process what had happened in 1 year. Everyone, no everything had changed. My best friend there had made completely changed, from her talking to her friends, my friends changed to, I had decided to hang out with a different crowd and things changed durastically for me. 

The morale of this long ass post, is that bullying isn't freaking funny, and don't you dare be one for fun, whether it's verbally or physically, because I can say where I live now isn't exactly the little haven either. A boy has punched me once when I had walked out of class and said "what the f**k is wrong with you" when I didn't even talk to him, I have been bashed in for situations that has nothing to do with that person and was trying to make me cry on purpose so he could laugh.  This shit isn't funny and it won't ever be. 

Some people did enjoy their experience at that other school, same asian race, but not everyone will be treated the same, not even if your only priority was to sit in a chair, and learn. 

I feel like i'm slowly sinking...

I can lay in a pile of flowers and be at peace with my entire self, but the thing is, the only time I will ever lay in a pile of flowers... Is my funeral...

 I feel like... i'm not sure of myself anymore, lately I keep feeling like im bothering the people I care about with my selfishness. It makes me want to crawl in a hole, it makes me want to not tell them anything so i'm not the one bothering them. If only I was born without a voice, I feel like I bother the world with it, just me speaking it bothers people, I can't handle the fact that my own credibility is dying from within. I doubt my every move and how i'm supposed to do things the right way. This fall, i'm going to become a sophmore in high school. I think that it's all for the best, if I just keep my mouth shut and run my own course this upcoming school year. 

     I feel like im dying, from bothering the people that matter to me, sometimes, I feel it was better for me to not return to them at all. I deserved my suffering. I deserve to feel the way I feel now, every horrible thing i've ever done... I feel like I deserve all of it. Karma. I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like if I endured it enough, I would just... Forget... But I haven't forgotten at all. It drags me along each and every single day I live. I believe that I will have to silence myself before the fall, just so I don't bother anyone within my sophmore year...

   But even now, i'm so unsure, of how things will turn out... I keep thinking something from my fantasies and my dreams, will suddenly just happen at school... I'm so naive. It's like those girls from when we were little, believing that we were going to be picked up by a knight in shining armor, and how we were going to live happily ever after. But i've come to realize so many times after my fantasies and daydreams. That those were only dreams, and this is the reality i'm stuck with. There are no knights in shining armor, there are no fantasies becoming a reality. All I have is this sad reality, where I want things to happen, but nothing will, because that's how things were destined to be for me. I was the side character that watched the princess walk into her sunset of happily ever after. I was the girl who probably gossiped with the other villagers about the girl's faults. Nobody knows what happened to them, nobody knew their name, and nobody will ever hear of their existence, just lke this blog. It's my only sanctuary where nobody I care about will judge me, it's the only place where I can cry without someone telling me that "there are people in your situation who don't cry" There's people who sometimes stumble upon here, and find my little world of sadness, but nobody will ever truly about the life of Tsukiko, nobody will ever know her story completely, and nobody will ever know that she truly existed in someone's story. Nobody I know will ever find out, that the tears I rarely shed in real life, were all just let go here. Where all my stories can go unnoticed, and it's ok, because nobody will ever find it. Unlike the places where people do know me, and it matters then because you want to see if people actually care. In this little corner of my hatena blog, nobody exists, and it's my utopia. So in many ways...

I kind of already am sinking in my own little corner of the dark labyrinth of rain and where it can eventually become a rainbow, and there will be a sun in my future. 

The times where the rude comments hurt.

When you hurt someone sometimes, it's unintentional, but when people don't like your honesty, they're basically telling you to dig a hole and to not come out of it until you you can lie to their face and pretend to tell them it'll be okay.

Today, I was on a rp website, it had a small population, and since it's summer break and it also being a lazy saturday in my world. I decide to go on the website. I make a lot of small talk with newcomers, and a few people that are fairly old and still remember my username. A girl named "Bear" comes into the main chat and says

I am going to punch *******

Everyone in the chat including me asks

Why? What's wrong?

She complains about her boyfriend ******* and we all pity her for an amount of time, and she continues to complain about how her boyfriend doesn't care about her if she was in the hospital, and how her boyfriend would rather meet up with his exes at their beck and call. She complains about how discontent she is being with him. I thought honesty would be the best approach, so I decide to be very blunt and serious at that moment. I come out after a few more sentences of Bear's ranting.

If you're so discontent with this *******, why don't you leave him and find another way to be happy?

Bear got very outraged at my response, she didn't know that it was once a decision I decided to make when a guy treated me just as terribly as she described the bad sides of her boyfriend she didn't know that I decided to say those words to her for those exact reasons... so as she said things like "I'm going to leave before I blow up" I decide to just be a little softer on the edges as she's leaving I tell her to "take your time" But she's still outraged, she lashes out on me for my remark.

Shut up, don't fucking talk to me, go die or something [My username]

I was hurt because I just got over my fear of being the person in my friend group that makes things worse, when she told me to "go die or something" I immediately felt like dying, the pain hurt so much, I immediately turned off my laptop, tried to sleep but ended up crying to sleep. I may be pretty sensitive, but when I told her out of blunt honesty, she despised me for it and wanted me to take my life. I am really sad that some people don't consider that just because we don't rant online to everyone about our problems, that we still have problems we don't want to talk about. It's been a few hours and I still feel really sad about being such a bother to people, making their situations worse and all. But the question is:

How deep am I in this hole already?