비가 왔습니다

비가. . . 너무 예뻐서. . .

It was a Monday morning, crisp and sweet. The skies were Grey and the atmosphere wasn't warm. But it felt more gentle that way.  Swaying and Swaying, the wind blew the most gentle of breezes, as the flowers had been covered in the beautiful crystal known to be water, the skies, not angry or furious, but gentle, kind. As the rain and the coldness filled the air. 

102016

Keep trying, for it always gets better

Often times I've been having a series of sadness swallowing, dwelling over me. I had made the resolution to be less sad this year, but sometimes it still slips out. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so upset and improper whenever I do anything now, I feel small and unworthy of breathing the same air as the people around me. My eyes constantly hurt and I don't feel like I own redeemable traits. It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just that, when I talk, people just turn the other cheek. Sometimes, I myself, think that I give people too much of my attention, when they never bothered to care about me in the first place. For instance, this group chat, I always try my best to cheer up Cheyenne and everyone else when they're feeling down. But the minute I express my feelings, they give me unsympathetic responses and tell me to get over it. I really do feel irrelevant sometimes, I don't know why I even bother expressing my feelings at all. I don't like being put on this high pedestal when I'm feeling this shitty about myself every. single. day. it just doesn't sit right. it just doesn't improve my mood. I just feel more irrelevant and useless to the world at the end of the day and nobody would really give a damn. But that just goes to show how petty my problems really are, Me feeling like shit because of a guy? Irrelevant, supposedly I can just throw my emotions out the door and not feel hurt through criticism. Me, feeling like shit because I don't feel pretty at times? Irrelevant, "you're pretty enough, but you're so pretty" My brain doesn't give a damn about those comments. At the end of the day, I really try to sleep my way into the next one and just hope my life ends a lot sooner. So what's the point? Why should I have problems? I don't even have the right to feel like shit half the time because the world already labeled my problems, irrelevant. 

Flustered 072316

Lately I don't feel like I have much feelings towards anything, I did however get more into kpop which is a good thing to keep my mind on for a while. But I feel the pressure of the future slowly approaching my doorstep, and knowing such a thing, scares me. Even though I've gotten into kpop a lot lately, I often think to myself if a person's existence will really affect those above us on the social scale. Not everyone will get noticed let alone appreciated, some people who don't deserve the spotlight get all of the credit, and even doing so, the social ladder doesn't change. It may be very pessimistic of me to say such things. But I cannot help but think this way in the meantime. 

        School is also making its way towards me. I'm scared and frightened that I won't meet up to anyone's expectations,even though I really shouldn't have to. I'm such a wimp. I sometimes wish I wasn't born so negative or angry. My friends often point out the pessimistic things I say and I feel bad for it every time, I don't mean to be that way, but it's slowly devoured me whole. I can't really think any other way, I'm just trying to not be as pessimistic nowadays, but to be honest, it's quite hard. 

          That's why I say such things as kpop is good for keeping my mind off certain things, it seems to cheer me up, almost as if saving me from a false crisis, and whole heartedly, I am thankful for that. 

           I often wonder if writing these entries mean anything to me, but I'm honestly glad that right now, there is a website nobody I know uses, only I know of, for me to write about my inner thoughts to myself and for myself. I get neither criticism or praise, and knowing such a fact lifts a large weight off my shoulders, since not everything can be consoled with friends or family, some feelings have to be felt alone. 

             I have often been thinking of my future self as well. Teenage thoughts will always be different from adult thoughts, so I hope that my future self feels happier doing what she does and can be with the people that she cares about and vice versa. It's so naive of me to say such things without knowing what will happen in the future. But maybe writing this kind of thing down will help me remember the feelings I've once had. 

              I'm also completely positive that reading this in the future will give me a big headache, so I'll stop with the sap right here. 

050516

I'm such a horrible person there are almost no words to explain my feelings at the moment. I can't believe that even at the times where I sound grieve, there's still room for anger. I don't want to be mad anymore, I don't want to be easily upset anymore, I don't want to be negative anymore. I feel constantly pressured to pick a side between friends when I really cannot choose. I'm so scared of being alone and having nobody. I'm so scared of losing everything when I'm trying to just keep myself together. Why can't I just cheer people on? Why can't I just wish my friend to be safe ?Why do I have to be mad about everything? Why can't I just make things right for myself and those around me? I feel like a failure for a human and a friend. I don't feel like I deserve anyone, why do I still have friends, I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anything. I've done so many wrong things, no wonder why nobody in theatre or school likes me. It's no wonder why I don't have any other friends in this small corner of the world. 

I'm so sad. I just want it to stop. I just want to be happy. Why can't I find myself any happiness in being myself anymore? I'm such a failure. I'm such a mess. Why am I alive, I don't deserve to be alive. I can't be happy, I can't be myself. I can't do anything but cry to myself because I'm not the victim, only the victim deserves the attention to cry. I'm the criminal that is so horrible that I let my own friend get hurt, I wasn't by her side when she needed someone, I left her to be in pain by herself. How could I be so horrible? How can I call myself human when all I have done is all wrong. I can't believe that I've done so many horrible things to the people I love, and still feel like I deserve anything. Grandpa lied, god never helps with anything, he can't exist. I'm so horrible, a fake diety such as god can't forgive me even in his own mind. What's wrong with me, why do I only do the wrong things, why am I so scared, why do I hurt people. I don't want to live anymore, I really don't deserve to live anymore

12916

Lately I have been having trouble with saying things to my friends. I'm not sure if it's unintended or not, but I feel like I'm usually being ignored. Nowadays I'm scared to say anything in their conversations. I'm hanging out with them tomorrow too, I'm kind of nervous. On another note, I feel incompetent everytime I enter the classroom nowadays, I can't seem to perk my confidence up to do anything significant. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. If I'm just going through some kind of bum phase or something, but I'm really hoping I can get over it. But it's just never that easy. I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow, I'm really nervous on being ignored or rejected. Maybe I just shouldn't say anything so I can't be ignored...

   M is going through a rough time as always, although my friends speak about her issues, I can't find it in my heart to say anything encouraging. Sometimes I think it would be better if I stayed in santa Ana, because maybe then, I wouldn't have to feel attached to them, and M could have that family she really wanted. Nugget talking about it just makes me feel as if I shouldn't be in the squad and maybe M shouldve been the one who stayed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really just want to get over it. I'm with them in Rowland heights and I really should be happy for everything I have. I just don't get why I feel so negative so often. I actually should just shut up for a while so I'm not a nuisance for once. Because everyone loves  people like shumin, I sometimes feel no matter how she does things, she will always be supported. Everyone else in the squad too, i feel everyone all have their redeeming traits, but im just going to be hated more and more and eventually get kicked out. People like Brenda, i feel pressured not to say anything around Brenda nowadays, because everthing i say is always wrong, i don't want to be hit or yelled at so she can be right, i feel she's better off without my opinion, i even feel the sense she hates my stupidity and wants to make sure i get ignored at times, but I'm just being crude by thinking these things, she probably doesn't even mean to do make me feel this way, I'm just being unconfident in my friend. Everyone has their redeeming traits except me, and I suddenly end up feeling empty again like I did in the 7th grade. I know in my heart they want M to be in the squad, no matter how she may be, but they chose to spare my feelings and kicked her out instead. How selfish can I be? For it to get this extreme and to think that they would ever like M? All those times they said nothing when I ranted, was because they still really cared, I'm the only one who just doesn't feel that way, and maybe I should be the one who gets out casted by nugget. I believe I'm the only one who hates M for all those times she lied to me. And at the end of the day, I will always feel undeserving of anything.