The blue sea

With so many inferences that we are given about the world, often times, we forget who we are. Like the sea, it becomes mysterious, endless, questionable. I looked out towards the cold winter sea, my heart, almost as if it were anticipating something, became draped in disappointment. I was old now, I could no longer run out to the sea the way I had in my youth, and I wasn't about to do so in the cold. As I stared out into this cold, endless sea, which looked as if it were purposefully keeping warmth away from it's heart, a cold abrasive, yet, inviting touch, I began to reflect upon my life, something grand, something wonderful overwhelms me as I stare out into the never ending sea. Youth, such things I thought about, was definitely, a lot like...the once blue sea...

Many years ago, the sun shone bright, and the clouds, smiled. I ran with him, hand in hand, thinking not of consequences, but catching the future that slipped into my hands, with every passing second. Cheerful souls, were invited by the sea, welcomed by the sun, comforted by the breeze pushing the people in to embrace the water's inviting touch. With him by my side, it was as if the sea gave it's blessings, we we're meant to be so very, very happy. Some believed the water was an essence for materialism, some believed becoming one with such an amazing being, was all the world needed, but me and him, we only needed to know that such thing as the sea, was going to be there. It was going to be there, watching, walking, embracing all those who allow themselves to be kind to the sea. With him by my side, it was as if nothing else existed, just... me, him, and the everlasting sea. 

Years went by since that fleeting moment, time and technology, had grown. In such a growing time, the sea had noticeably, changed heart. People began to invade, the sea's privacy, it's hidden secrets which are meant for them, and only them. We, our people, had invaded such a pure heart, known as the sea. Eventually, the sea had a growing rage, it was no longer happy, but sad, confused, angry. But still, we, our people, did not realize it. We, our people, continued... treading the seas, poking at the dear seas' painful wounds, opening them, deepening them, hurting their precious treasures. We, our people, hurt the pure and kind soul.

We, our people, did not realize. The sea, grew angry, was discontent, so one day, the sea, decided:

"I will make them understand, I am hurt, ruined, invaded!" 

and so, the sea asked the sky, the sun, and even begged those of the clouds to stop providing for the sea. The sea wanted to be alone, left alone, a single entity. So, the sun, the sky, and even the ever so stubborn clouds, heard the seas' painful cry and plea....

One day, the sky, turned gray, and with the grayness came no motion, just, a stiff color.

But, we, our people, did not notice, they believed, it was the work of the clouds, covering up their ever so dear sky...

One day, the coulds, went awry, they swirled and they twirled, but to where? It became, a stiffened stubstance above we, the people.

But, we, our people, did not notice, they believed, it was the work of the sun, the bright bastard was up to something, bothering our dear clouds...

One day, the sun, turned dimmed their lights, the world, shivered.

So then, we, our people, worried. What happened, to our sun, our clouds, our lovely sky?

So there, the people wondered, and wondered, the sea, was finally alone, stiffened, frightening. 

The people, became afraid, afraid to tread the waters, afraid to see what the sea, may do to them, the ever vengeful sea. The world became cold, painful, uninviting. The world became unfit for living, unfit for the afraid. 

and, so, they left. 

He, whom I once held my hand happily with, became afraid, and like the weary, he left. 

Leave? How so? There was a place far away from their planet, with a shining sun, a clear sky, and many happy clouds. The afraid left, ran, rejected, the world they had lived in, and left.

However, as if my heart were anticipating something...I stayed...

Years had gone by, my world quickly grew cold, many, quickly grew tired, unsightly, unhealthy. Until, every last one was gone. 

But...the world left me as a remain...why? must I go through such pain... alone?

Now, I walk towards the sea, old and frail, no joy in seeing such a soul as the sea.

I fell, towards the edge of the sea, and cried, I wept, I screamed the remaining emotions living within me at the ever vengeful sea. My tears, becoming one with the sea, as if all my prayers and thoughts for the sea, had reached them with my tears...

Why am I alone?

Why are you unhappy?

Why am I the only one left??

Only then, did the sea realize, that there was still a soul, a pure soul, begging them for forgiveness, for an answer... an answer that the sea, could no longer give to the poor, frail, old woman crying and weeping at their footsteps. As she cried, the sun had brightened the lights to see who was weeping at the lonely sea. As she cried, the clouds, had formed to see the woman who was crying just as they had so long ago. As she cried, the sky, turned a sour color, wondering where such emotions arose from. The sea, watching the woman cry at their footsteps, wondered why, why such a woman, would want to cry towards the cold, brazen sea.

I want...to be happy again, just as you once were...

The woman's tears spoke to the sea, "I want to be happy...I don't want to be alone anymore..."

With such overwhelming, long emotions that the sea had felt from this woman, such a heartbreaking emotion that consumed the sea as a whole, as soon, the clouds began to cry with the woman.

She deserves to be happy

The sky wimpers to the sound the clouds make, the sea, realizing what they've done. 

The sun, watching over them, the breeze blowing heavily at her tears to blow them away.

The sea, realizing what they've put her through. Realized that she, the woman herself, was becoming frail, weak. 

As the woman wept the last of her tears, she no longer moved, it was stiff, just like the sea had once been. 

The sea, at a loss for emotions, grieved for the woman, the woman who wished to be just as happy as the sea had once been. The sea, which was loved so much by one. Which was probably loved even more by many. 

The sea, cleaning itself up, promised itself one thing, something we may never know. 

But the sun, warmed the seas' heart from coldness, the clouds passed by to wipe up the seas' tears, and the sky, turning blue, for which it is most peaceful for them all to be content and happy with one another. 

With the sea being comforted, the sea gave it's warm embrace to the woman, who had warmed the seas' heart, more than the sun ever had, and had forever since then, shone a deep blue, for the sorrowful souls which they didn't forgive, and for the woman, who when crying at their footsteps, wore sweaters, draped in blue.

How would we know such a thing you ask???

Because everyone knows that the heart of the sea is a beautiful blue, and that the waves is a delicate length of locks...representing the woman who saved the blue sea.

12월 2일 2016년

오늘은 슬퍼요

It's officially December and my mood hasn't been especially great because of a few thoughts and my ugly personality has been taking a run for a while. I seem to feel sad knowing some people live their life not being able to love another, they will almost never get a chance at a normal relationship and that honestly saddens me to the core. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just know, I'm not as happy as I could be, there's plenty of other things I'd rather be doing. I'll be turning 17 next week, I also have mixed emotions on it. But I do know that I will be celebrating with people I never thought I'd celebrate with, and that should be a nice scene of change. I find it difficult to talk to certain people since they don't want to talk to me, I also still have the heavy feeling of being a burden to someone when it definitely isn't my intention. I don't know how to solve my own dilemma, but I certainly don't like how it has vacationed in my heart for far too long. I hopefully never encounter someone reading this, but I really can't feel happy if anything right now. Although I feel bad since people might believe so, I can't seem to be happy. Some may press me about seventeen coming back and how that should make me happy. But I think of the season where you're supposed to be with family, the season where everyone should be together in harmony, and enjoy the things around them. Idols don't have that kind of luxury, which kind of disheartened my true emotions for this comeback. As happy as I should be this season, there's many dark emotions lurking within me I would prefer not to have, but seem to be lurking every corner. I don't like it, it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't understand why, but it hurts me every corner if anything. If only expressing my feelings was this easy. I also can't seem to shake off my growing negativity for someone I met a while ago. I seem to be more and more upset as each day grows. It's unsettling and I don't particularly like it very much. With such emotions, I think I should really Uninstall twitter soon, it's growing to be bad on me and I can't seem to lighten my mood even though Seventeen used to do it so easily. Now, I just feel less and less confident in myself and everything I do. Everything I bother trying is making me more unhappy. I can't shake off these feelings, it's definitely growing on me, but I hope I find something better to make me happy again. I found many little distractions that can make me happy, but it never quite stays with me. My heart still becomes easily detached to everything I want to accomplish.

I believe I was quite selfish with my holiday shopping this year. Although I hope the gifts I got for others will be enjoyed by the receiver. I got myself a few things as well, but certainly this is a chance for myself to find new explorations, and become more grateful for the things I have and the people I'm with. I'm, very scared for my birthday, but I believe deep down it will work out on it's own, and with good luck, I shall see what I write next time. 

비가 왔습니다

비가. . . 너무 예뻐서. . .

It was a Monday morning, crisp and sweet. The skies were Grey and the atmosphere wasn't warm. But it felt more gentle that way.  Swaying and Swaying, the wind blew the most gentle of breezes, as the flowers had been covered in the beautiful crystal known to be water, the skies, not angry or furious, but gentle, kind. As the rain and the coldness filled the air. 

102016

Keep trying, for it always gets better

Often times I've been having a series of sadness swallowing, dwelling over me. I had made the resolution to be less sad this year, but sometimes it still slips out. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so upset and improper whenever I do anything now, I feel small and unworthy of breathing the same air as the people around me. My eyes constantly hurt and I don't feel like I own redeemable traits. It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just that, when I talk, people just turn the other cheek. Sometimes, I myself, think that I give people too much of my attention, when they never bothered to care about me in the first place. For instance, this group chat, I always try my best to cheer up Cheyenne and everyone else when they're feeling down. But the minute I express my feelings, they give me unsympathetic responses and tell me to get over it. I really do feel irrelevant sometimes, I don't know why I even bother expressing my feelings at all. I don't like being put on this high pedestal when I'm feeling this shitty about myself every. single. day. it just doesn't sit right. it just doesn't improve my mood. I just feel more irrelevant and useless to the world at the end of the day and nobody would really give a damn. But that just goes to show how petty my problems really are, Me feeling like shit because of a guy? Irrelevant, supposedly I can just throw my emotions out the door and not feel hurt through criticism. Me, feeling like shit because I don't feel pretty at times? Irrelevant, "you're pretty enough, but you're so pretty" My brain doesn't give a damn about those comments. At the end of the day, I really try to sleep my way into the next one and just hope my life ends a lot sooner. So what's the point? Why should I have problems? I don't even have the right to feel like shit half the time because the world already labeled my problems, irrelevant. 

Flustered 072316

Lately I don't feel like I have much feelings towards anything, I did however get more into kpop which is a good thing to keep my mind on for a while. But I feel the pressure of the future slowly approaching my doorstep, and knowing such a thing, scares me. Even though I've gotten into kpop a lot lately, I often think to myself if a person's existence will really affect those above us on the social scale. Not everyone will get noticed let alone appreciated, some people who don't deserve the spotlight get all of the credit, and even doing so, the social ladder doesn't change. It may be very pessimistic of me to say such things. But I cannot help but think this way in the meantime. 

        School is also making its way towards me. I'm scared and frightened that I won't meet up to anyone's expectations,even though I really shouldn't have to. I'm such a wimp. I sometimes wish I wasn't born so negative or angry. My friends often point out the pessimistic things I say and I feel bad for it every time, I don't mean to be that way, but it's slowly devoured me whole. I can't really think any other way, I'm just trying to not be as pessimistic nowadays, but to be honest, it's quite hard. 

          That's why I say such things as kpop is good for keeping my mind off certain things, it seems to cheer me up, almost as if saving me from a false crisis, and whole heartedly, I am thankful for that. 

           I often wonder if writing these entries mean anything to me, but I'm honestly glad that right now, there is a website nobody I know uses, only I know of, for me to write about my inner thoughts to myself and for myself. I get neither criticism or praise, and knowing such a fact lifts a large weight off my shoulders, since not everything can be consoled with friends or family, some feelings have to be felt alone. 

             I have often been thinking of my future self as well. Teenage thoughts will always be different from adult thoughts, so I hope that my future self feels happier doing what she does and can be with the people that she cares about and vice versa. It's so naive of me to say such things without knowing what will happen in the future. But maybe writing this kind of thing down will help me remember the feelings I've once had. 

              I'm also completely positive that reading this in the future will give me a big headache, so I'll stop with the sap right here.