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Lately I have been having trouble with saying things to my friends. I'm not sure if it's unintended or not, but I feel like I'm usually being ignored. Nowadays I'm scared to say anything in their conversations. I'm hanging out with them tomorrow too, I'm kind of nervous. On another note, I feel incompetent everytime I enter the classroom nowadays, I can't seem to perk my confidence up to do anything significant. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. If I'm just going through some kind of bum phase or something, but I'm really hoping I can get over it. But it's just never that easy. I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow, I'm really nervous on being ignored or rejected. Maybe I just shouldn't say anything so I can't be ignored...

   M is going through a rough time as always, although my friends speak about her issues, I can't find it in my heart to say anything encouraging. Sometimes I think it would be better if I stayed in santa Ana, because maybe then, I wouldn't have to feel attached to them, and M could have that family she really wanted. Nugget talking about it just makes me feel as if I shouldn't be in the squad and maybe M shouldve been the one who stayed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really just want to get over it. I'm with them in Rowland heights and I really should be happy for everything I have. I just don't get why I feel so negative so often. I actually should just shut up for a while so I'm not a nuisance for once. Because everyone loves  people like shumin, I sometimes feel no matter how she does things, she will always be supported. Everyone else in the squad too, i feel everyone all have their redeeming traits, but im just going to be hated more and more and eventually get kicked out. People like Brenda, i feel pressured not to say anything around Brenda nowadays, because everthing i say is always wrong, i don't want to be hit or yelled at so she can be right, i feel she's better off without my opinion, i even feel the sense she hates my stupidity and wants to make sure i get ignored at times, but I'm just being crude by thinking these things, she probably doesn't even mean to do make me feel this way, I'm just being unconfident in my friend. Everyone has their redeeming traits except me, and I suddenly end up feeling empty again like I did in the 7th grade. I know in my heart they want M to be in the squad, no matter how she may be, but they chose to spare my feelings and kicked her out instead. How selfish can I be? For it to get this extreme and to think that they would ever like M? All those times they said nothing when I ranted, was because they still really cared, I'm the only one who just doesn't feel that way, and maybe I should be the one who gets out casted by nugget. I believe I'm the only one who hates M for all those times she lied to me. And at the end of the day, I will always feel undeserving of anything.

🌸 New Persona

    I don't often feel like a new year matters, but there are multiple occasions nowadays, where I feel the need to reinvent myself. My attitude since 2015 haven't been desirable. Which is why I felt the gaping hole in my heart as the year ended, it felt empty, it felt like a deep pressure that wouldn't go away no matter how much I attempted to cough and scream my feelings out. It became a part of me. It slowly swallowed me whole without my knowing, it made me turn on those I didn't know, like a prey that had its whole world changed without its knowing. I soon became someone I didn't know, and by the time I found out about my behavior, it was too late. I had already hurt too many with my persona of sadness. I almost felt as if the world went against me.

   It's now 2016, and I know that new year new me stuff doesn't ever really work, which is why so many people joke about it. But somehow I feel the urge to replenish and find my spirit again this year. I may feel lost, which is why I write about these things. But it doesn't matter. I am striving for a me who doesn't care what others may assume, a me who doesn't care if her crush doesn't like her back, a me... who is satisfied with just going to school and seeing my friends everyday and making new memories with them. I may not be doing much right now or in the future, but I will attempt to live this year and hopefully the ones after that, with a smile that even my non ideal self can achieve in this lifetime.

Where Do I Go..

I feel lost, like, something undescrible in my chest is constantly pounding my insides. I've made a resolution to stay positive this school year, and I feel like i'm in a black hole trying to find pieces of light. I want to leave my friends, I feel like everything I say is just a michellaneous thing, while my other friend says the same thing, and gets spontaneous energetic comments. I feel useless and unimportant. But I have nowhere to go either... Where is there to even go? If I left my friends I would end up feeling desolate loneliness, which just happens to be my one weakness, unless it's spiders, i'm scared of those too. I'm not allowed to move anymore, i'm not sure how to make new friends. Especially when every word you say to someone seems to upset them. Seeing that makes me extra timid. Makes me scared to walk to class. I don't know why i've been posting here so much more lately, I just feel heavy, and it doesn't matter who I tell anymore, it won't get any lighter. I feel like i'm being isolated. I feel alone even with all these people around me. I'm scared of being alone yet i'm sad because of it at the same time. I don't know where to go, where to start, where to end. I'm really feeling hopeless and I want to keep my mouth shut and not bother anyone. Yet I feel like even if I speak a morsel, i'm bothering someone... What do I do? I don't want to bother people anymore. I don't want to be annoying, yet I am. I'm scared of being alone, and yet I already feel alone... There's a heavy weight hanging in my chest, and it won't subside. I don't have anywhere to go, and I feel like i'm out of options. I honestly just feel like nobody cares, and I don't know how to handle it.

A Faulted Start

Lately, just lately. I feel irritated. The fresh start wasn't exactly "Fresh" it was more rotten than it was ever fresh. I haven't seen "him" lately, which brings me relief all over. However, this school year feels empty, it's only been the 3rd week and I feel desolate and empty. I'm not sure what the cause is. I have come to despise the new freshmen at school, for their snobbish and tyrannic ways. I have encountered their snobbish and rude ways a number of times already within these first few weeks, which all occured in the same classroom.

The first event was when we had to do student introductions for our biology class, we had to write our names on the board one by one, and speak of our family or our interests etc. A girl diagonally left in front of me, goes before everyone else. But is incredibly rude, as the other kids speak of their interests, she whispers comments loudly to her friend across the classroom "Wow that's so lame!!" or things like "Ew I can't believe ***** is related to *****! How disgusting!!! Haha" It was rude to whisper in the first place, and it's even more disgusting to be talking about someone's life when people are trying to listen to it. I was immediately irked by her.

The second event was somewhat just how I felt, but we get assigned lab groups in biology, we are all supposed to work together and be friendly. It's not that they weren't friendly, but their rude assumptions lit me off. I didn't want to speak with them so I mind my own business and do the classwork I was assigned, just because I didn't want to, a girl in my group decides to pity me with her assumptions. "Aw, guys she's lonely!! Hi what's your name? (:" Do not assume someone is lonely just because they could not care less about your lost eraser, or could care less about your boyfriend. Her pitiful assumption she dumped on me made me want to hit her and smack some sense into her, that just because i'm alone, does not mean I feel lonely, assuming I am lonely is ignorance. 

The third and last event that occured recently has literally made me want to kick them in the face for their attitude. Lab groups once more, different person. I put my stuff on this corner of the table to reserve the spot, since I needed my teacher to sign a permission slip. By the time I return to my table, my stuff is moved, this girl acts as if nothing is wrong, and that it is her seat. Later then asks, "is everyone ok with where they're siitting? (:" I'm fustrated and tell her "That was my seat *******" and she responds in the snobbiest way ever. She tells me "Sorry, if you really wanted to sit here, you should've just stayed here (: I had no idea!" I was so fustrated to the point of throwing her onto the floor. How ignorant can someone be? You took my seat, you didn't even ask if I was consentual, you didn't even let me take my seat back.  Screw you girl in bio. 

Freshmen have been making my life much harder, they are the snobbiest generation of kids I have ever met, and the sad thing is.. There are more of them to come. I am thouroughly disappointed this year, and nothing, not a single thing has impressed me by a feather. I really have a strong feeling, that I won't be enjoying my sophmore year as much as I am hoping I would. 

I'm stuck

There is a pain in my chest.

It hasn't stopped in a long time.

I'm not in pain

But....

One thing is for sure...

I am not satisfied with life...

I'm Stuck

I'm Lost

I'm Unsure of why I exist

I'm Tearing apart

I'm Dying inside 

I'm Desperate for Answers

I'm Lonely 

I'm Confused why people won't stop being Bitchy

I'm Seeing

I'm Smelling

I'm Touching

I'm Tasting

I'm Breathing

But....

I am not Living