12월 2일 2016년
오늘은 슬퍼요
It's officially December and my mood hasn't been especially great because of a few thoughts and my ugly personality has been taking a run for a while. I seem to feel sad knowing some people live their life not being able to love another, they will almost never get a chance at a normal relationship and that honestly saddens me to the core. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just know, I'm not as happy as I could be, there's plenty of other things I'd rather be doing. I'll be turning 17 next week, I also have mixed emotions on it. But I do know that I will be celebrating with people I never thought I'd celebrate with, and that should be a nice scene of change. I find it difficult to talk to certain people since they don't want to talk to me, I also still have the heavy feeling of being a burden to someone when it definitely isn't my intention. I don't know how to solve my own dilemma, but I certainly don't like how it has vacationed in my heart for far too long. I hopefully never encounter someone reading this, but I really can't feel happy if anything right now. Although I feel bad since people might believe so, I can't seem to be happy. Some may press me about seventeen coming back and how that should make me happy. But I think of the season where you're supposed to be with family, the season where everyone should be together in harmony, and enjoy the things around them. Idols don't have that kind of luxury, which kind of disheartened my true emotions for this comeback. As happy as I should be this season, there's many dark emotions lurking within me I would prefer not to have, but seem to be lurking every corner. I don't like it, it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't understand why, but it hurts me every corner if anything. If only expressing my feelings was this easy. I also can't seem to shake off my growing negativity for someone I met a while ago. I seem to be more and more upset as each day grows. It's unsettling and I don't particularly like it very much. With such emotions, I think I should really Uninstall twitter soon, it's growing to be bad on me and I can't seem to lighten my mood even though Seventeen used to do it so easily. Now, I just feel less and less confident in myself and everything I do. Everything I bother trying is making me more unhappy. I can't shake off these feelings, it's definitely growing on me, but I hope I find something better to make me happy again. I found many little distractions that can make me happy, but it never quite stays with me. My heart still becomes easily detached to everything I want to accomplish.
I believe I was quite selfish with my holiday shopping this year. Although I hope the gifts I got for others will be enjoyed by the receiver. I got myself a few things as well, but certainly this is a chance for myself to find new explorations, and become more grateful for the things I have and the people I'm with. I'm, very scared for my birthday, but I believe deep down it will work out on it's own, and with good luck, I shall see what I write next time.
비가 왔습니다
비가. . . 너무 예뻐서. . .
It was a Monday morning, crisp and sweet. The skies were Grey and the atmosphere wasn't warm. But it felt more gentle that way. Swaying and Swaying, the wind blew the most gentle of breezes, as the flowers had been covered in the beautiful crystal known to be water, the skies, not angry or furious, but gentle, kind. As the rain and the coldness filled the air.
102016
Keep trying, for it always gets better
Often times I've been having a series of sadness swallowing, dwelling over me. I had made the resolution to be less sad this year, but sometimes it still slips out. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so upset and improper whenever I do anything now, I feel small and unworthy of breathing the same air as the people around me. My eyes constantly hurt and I don't feel like I own redeemable traits. It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just that, when I talk, people just turn the other cheek. Sometimes, I myself, think that I give people too much of my attention, when they never bothered to care about me in the first place. For instance, this group chat, I always try my best to cheer up Cheyenne and everyone else when they're feeling down. But the minute I express my feelings, they give me unsympathetic responses and tell me to get over it. I really do feel irrelevant sometimes, I don't know why I even bother expressing my feelings at all. I don't like being put on this high pedestal when I'm feeling this shitty about myself every. single. day. it just doesn't sit right. it just doesn't improve my mood. I just feel more irrelevant and useless to the world at the end of the day and nobody would really give a damn. But that just goes to show how petty my problems really are, Me feeling like shit because of a guy? Irrelevant, supposedly I can just throw my emotions out the door and not feel hurt through criticism. Me, feeling like shit because I don't feel pretty at times? Irrelevant, "you're pretty enough, but you're so pretty" My brain doesn't give a damn about those comments. At the end of the day, I really try to sleep my way into the next one and just hope my life ends a lot sooner. So what's the point? Why should I have problems? I don't even have the right to feel like shit half the time because the world already labeled my problems, irrelevant.
Flustered 072316
050516
I'm such a horrible person there are almost no words to explain my feelings at the moment. I can't believe that even at the times where I sound grieve, there's still room for anger. I don't want to be mad anymore, I don't want to be easily upset anymore, I don't want to be negative anymore. I feel constantly pressured to pick a side between friends when I really cannot choose. I'm so scared of being alone and having nobody. I'm so scared of losing everything when I'm trying to just keep myself together. Why can't I just cheer people on? Why can't I just wish my friend to be safe ?Why do I have to be mad about everything? Why can't I just make things right for myself and those around me? I feel like a failure for a human and a friend. I don't feel like I deserve anyone, why do I still have friends, I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anything. I've done so many wrong things, no wonder why nobody in theatre or school likes me. It's no wonder why I don't have any other friends in this small corner of the world.